...Really?

With all of the unbelievable things happening right now, I find it a bit funny to take a step back and realize just how remarkably screwed we are. Allow me to list evey major issue I can recall that we are dealing with as a world right now:

Somali Pirates, Swine Flu, Global Economin Crisis, Celine Dion's release of her "Essentials Collection" and the abscence of creamy peanut butter at the Rodney Mart (just as many people like creamy as chunky!).

That is, if you were keeping count, the Great Depression, a plague and pirates all at once. Not to mention the continued threats of terrorism and the impending self-destruction of our own planet's ecological balance. The powers that be - 5. Us - 0.

Let's turn our attention to the idea of the Somali pirates. A threat so ridiculous I myself can barely believe it is happening as I type it. It's the kind of threat people did not really take seriously until they took an American hostage. Until then, American sentiment was, "That's silly! They think they're pirates... How adoreable. That one has no leg(and an AK-47), it's like a peg leg!" Then they took an American hostage and we shot them, and everyone rejoiced as Navy Seals trounced the pirate threat. But guess what... They have "mateys"! A lot more crazy, poverty driven people willing to do the same thing relentlessly until they prevail. I saw this movie. It was called "At World's End" and for the safety of our sailors, I recommend we back the hell off. I don't know how much damage your torpedo is going to do against the Kraken. My bet is on the giant water monster/killing machine. Tell Johnny Depp he better stop working on Batman 3 and get his ass onto the nearest battleship.

And of course, Swine flu! I feel like pandemics are soooo 18th century, and I for one am glad to see them back in action. And at my college, too! Tonight, I got this text message: "4 UD students have been diagnosed with influenza that meets probable definitions for swine flu."

Cue the collective "Shit!" which emanated from every room on my floor at once. Ladies and gentlemen, put your 401K money into purrell and surgical masks! We're in for one hell of a month. Anyone complaining of allergies, starting tonight, gets backhanded. There are people with swine flu and you're bitching because you have the snifflies? Shove a kleenex in your nose and let's get real.

Let's start our one sided rant by asking ourselves, "What do we do?" I for one am issuing a campus-wide warning. Anyone who sneezes, sniffles or coughs in my presence over the next month is getting a shot of lysol to the face. That's a simple warning for ya.

Next question, "How did the pig disease get here?" I know the answer to this. Will others challenge me on this? Yes, but I am also probably right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the culprit who brought swine flu to UD...

Actor John Leguizamo

It makes perfect sense. Only hours after Leguizamo came to UD to speak to a large room of people, 4 students went to the health center with symptoms consistent with swine flu. I for one never liked John's work, and while I admire his incredible story, I can't help but be a little upset over this outbreak.

On the plus side, think about what always comes with global pandemic... A widespread free spirited lifestyle in the face of an uncertain tomorrow, and some really good U2 songs.

The News

Every single headline on comcast today was upsetting. 

"Phil Spectre found guilty of murder"

"GM Recalls 1.5 Million Vehicles"

"Rape May be Alleged in Girl's Killing"

"Jay Leno TV Show a Hit"

Please, throw me a fricken bone here people. Oh wait, I think I see one. This story looks like it has humor and smile potential, "5-Year Old has Wild Subway Adventure."

Good for that kid! What kind of quests and awesome things did this little guy encounter on his "wild adventure"?!

-click on the link-

Authorities say a 5-year-old boy slipped onto a New York City subway alone and rode for 34 stops from the Bronx to the southern tip of Manhattan before anyone intercepted him.

For the love of God. They gave that article an adoreable headline?! This kid rode across a good stretch of the largest and most imtimidating/potentially dangerous city in the world. There was potential for kidnapping, and the authorities could only respond after 34 blocks at the earliest. Imagine this kid, in 10 years when he looks up this story. 

"Wild ride?! I pissed my pants, a homeless guy searched by Osh Kosh trousers for spare change and I got sneezed on or kicked by at least 14 pill-popping, clinically depressed stock brokers."

Want proof our society is spiralling downward? "Woman Jumps Into Polar Bear Enclosure." Yup, a woman jumped into a polar bear enclosure and was MAULED. The husband said he was shocked and wants the bears put down. 

...For what? Being Bears?! They are 800 pound kings of the fricken tundra pushed into an enclosure and this guy was shocked that they mauled his wife instead of giving here adoreable eskimo kisses and bear hugs. Imagine you're pulled out of your foreclosed home and stuck in a  cage. Then, someone walks by with a steak and throws that steak into your enclosure after you've spent 4 months eating oats and dried fruit. Guess what you're doing to that steak.

Want to know what the problem is? Want to know why people have these dumb ass misconceptions about things? 

Yup, Disney.

Why are people so thrown off by unhappy midgets? Because they sing and dance in Snow White. They have rosy red cheeks and adoreable little outfits and they can do irish dances. Guess what they're really like... You and me. They're just normal, smaller people who have trouble finding appropriate bathing suit sizes. But their attitudes? No more free-spirited, cheeky and fun than you or I. 

But that's unacceptable! They're small and you can pick them up like they're children but they're actually 35! Wrong. Disney just planted a little misrepresentation time bomb in your head.

Back to bears. Here is a quick run down of Disney movies that make people think that thundering, horrifying, killer animals just really want to be your friends.

Madagascar, Winnie and the Pooh, Jungle Book,  Tarzan, Mulan (taking it a step further and recommending you commit high treason against your own government and befriend dragons along the way), Brother Bear and Lilo and Stitch (It came from the sky, it doesn't speak english and it looks like Joe Pesci... want to put it in a hawaiian shirt and make it a part of out family?).

Why did Disney pick bears as their primary target for man/nature comraderie? Infact, why has society as a whole chosen bears?

Bear hugs - Encouraging the single worst thing you can ever do to a bear.

Gummy bears - Suggesting that every bear is different, and unique, and tastes slightly like cough medicine. Guess what, not every bear is unique. They come in very few colors and all want to do one thing; eat you.

Then we mock bears by putting their favorite food in the whole wide world into containers shaped like them. It's time to treat bears like the seemingly unstable person you work with. Befriend them, or at least back the hell off of them so that when the bears finally grow opposable thumbs, they'll let some of us live.

Edit: After completing this post, I clicked onto facebook and saw an advertisement for a Barack Obama Chia Pet. You water it and he grows an afro.

Let's learn from history. Horticulture +  Racism = War.

Honestly though, go watch this video.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

True Life

I was watching True Life the other day and I caught an interesting episode. It contained all of the "True Life" cases that ended up on the cutting room floor. I thought I would review some of my favorites. (Attention: That backstory was a lie... I came up with these)

1. True Life: I had a Horrific Super-Glue Accident

Truly tragic, this episode of True Life focused on those who encountered issues in the use of super glue. They included Jimothy Smits who, when confronted with the issue of a lack of hand lotion, had superglued his hands to his nethers. This unique incident eliminated the option of "just pouring nail polish remover on it" and Jimothy has spent the past 4 years with his hands securely glued to his johnson.  After years of scientific inquiry, medical professionals have ruled out any possible treatment, and Jimothy's parents have opened a foundation entitled, appropriately, "Raise money to get Jimothy's hands out of his pants." They have raised in excess of $4000, which went towards Jimothy's feeding tube and catheterization.

2. True Life: My Grandfather is awkwardly touchy with my female friends

Adrian DeNunez complains that his female friends refuse to come over his house because his grandfather makes them reach into his pocket for Werthers Originals. Claiming his hands are too large for his pockets, Adrian's grandfather asks for the help of Adrian's friends in the removal of hard candy from his back pockets. Adrian also claims that his grandfather will often ask his lady friends if they would like to see his war medals, and then parades around the house in nothing but briefs, highwater socks and his medals of valor, although Adrian claims his grandfather was never in a war and simply bought the medals at a thrift store. When asked to comment, Adrian's Grandfather simply enlightened our reporters that he used to walk uphill both ways going to and from school, and then removed his pants in the interview room.

3. True Life: I Have Over 26 names for my package

Chris Hanz is having a tough time picking up woman who are confused when he asks them if they would like two backstage passes to meet Diana Ross and the Supremes. When our female journalist went to interview him, he claimed he would not answer any questions until she shook hands with Benny and the Jets. Chris has compiled a list as part of his therapy to rid himself of this disorder, which we have gathered a few choice exerpts from:

-Iron Man and the Avengers

-Vlad the Impaler

-Russel the one-eyed wonder muscle

-Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

4. True Life: I Wear Sunglasses In Innapropriate Situations

This episode's alternate title was "I am a douche bag who ignores the purpose of sunglasses." John Kazinski has been mocked by his peers for his excessive wearing of sunglasses for years. When reached for comment, John simply replied, "I like wearing sunglasses all the time because it makes me different. It's like they serve two purposes; to hide my eyes from UV rays, and to hide my self-consciousness from the world." John has also been to rehab for his overuse of the words "tight" and "bro" and his inability to wear his baseball cap in the correct frontways position. Last year, John went into bankruptcy when he spent over $12,000 on flourescent sneakers, glow in the dark hooded sweatshirts and clever t-shirts with witty pop-culture references on them. Psychologists have noted John's lack of individual identity and personality as reasons behind his multiple addictions.

My Top 4 Grievances with ESPN

Everyone loves ESPN. Turn it on for 5 seconds and get a quick look at the bottom line for scored. Watch it for 3 hours on a sunday morning and memorize the lines to sportscenter. Everyone does it, and then talks about how much they love ESPN.

I love ESPN too, I have no issue with the network. I do, however, have some bones to pick with the people of the network. I will now highlight 4 issues I have with the worldwide leader in sports:

1. Mel Kiper Jr. - Maybe I'm just jealous of the man with the best job in the world... Or perhaps I hate rimless glasses combined with a greasy hairdo and pointless anger. Honestly, how can Mel Kiper be angry...ever? His job is to sit in his house, eat macaroni and cheese and watch college football. 

Mel Kiper is to the NFL draft as groundhogs are to the spring. Groundhogs appear to tell us we're that much closer to spring, and Mel Kiper pops his giant head out of his hole to tell us that the NFL draft is coming. They also both like cheese doodles.

So far he sounds like a pro. But once we dig deeper and think about what his job actually is, you realize how much of a waste of carbon Mel Kiper really is. His purpose is to use scouting reports and trends and draft order to do mock drafts and try to predict how the NFL draft will go... Not seeing the issue? Alright, well let me lay some truth on you. Mel Kiper's mock draft has NO MERIT. No coach has ever watched Mel Kiper for info on players or advice on who to pick. His mock draft is simply there because we, as Americans are impatient. Football season is 2 months too short and we want it to last year round. That's why Mel "The 40 year old virgin" Kiper is on Sportscenter in February... 2 months before the draft! 

The San Diego Chargers were actually going to pick J.P. Losman until Kiper predicted they would pick Eli Manning in the 2004 NFL draft. Don't believe me? Good, because that's bullshit. Proof that Mel Kiper's only use is to provide ESPN with something to put on the air that makes us all feel a little more attractive and better about our lives. When Scott Van Pelt, ESPN's bitch, makes Chris Berman's morning 17 egg omelette he greases his pan with Kiper's face sweat.

2. Tony Reali - I feel a little bad about this one, since he's from Monroe township in Jersey and my grandma is close friends with his aunt. But grandma doesn't have a computer, so I'm going to go ahead and rip Reali a new one.

Tony Reali's sole purpose on his show Around the Horn is to tell Woody Paige (clearly the best part of the show) to shut up when he's actually being funny. He assigns sports journalists points if he likes their take on a big current issue in sports... but I don't care what he thinks, so I usually just end up throwing my remote at the TV when he gives JA Adande 4 points for using some specific stats and sounding like a total tool. 

Why does he love stats? Because before his job was hitting a mute button and throwing paper, he was stat boy on yet another blemish of ESPN, Pardon the Interruption. His job? Calling Tony Kornheiser an idiot at the end of every episode for getting some minor facts wrong. Aww, sorry Tony, Kornheiser does more than memorize sports stats and fantasize about Rachel Nichols on top of the sportscenter desk.

3. Pardon the Interruption (PTI) - If I want to listen to two guys bitch at each other and complain about sports, I'll walk into any room on my dorm floor. I want to know stats and news about sports, not why Tony Kronheiser doesn't like the Cavelier's throwback uniforms or the way Bobby Knight bitch slaps referees. I fell asleep once with PTI on and I woke up with a  pounding migraine and a slightly lower IQ.

I would rather watch Stuart Scott clean his glass eye for a half hour than listen to two middle aged men make bad jokes and bitch.

4. Swami Says - Chris Berman has crossed the line into the world of "too conceited" ever since he started predicting exact scores for games. I don't need you to tell me what the score of the game will be... that's ruining the ending asshole. I'm going to fly down to Berman's house right after I post this, hide in his closet, wait for him to watch the sixth sense for the first time, and then jump out right before the ending and tell him that the "swami says" Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. 

He'll get bright red faster than the last time he looked at himself in the mirror.

Failed College Party Themes

We all know the classic college party themes. CEOs and corporate hoes, ABC parties, highlighter parties, etc...

But what about all the bad ideas that got thrown out over the years. I dug deep and did some research (in my own head) about some party theme ideas that have failed over the years.

1. Presidential couples - Once the couple showed up as the FDR and Eleanor, the vibe was pretty much dead. Let's just saw first ladies (or first man-ladies...Hillary) haven't really been the peak of sexiness. Not even beer goggles can make Eleanor Roosevelt look appealing. I'm guessing it was FDR's polio meds that put him in any state of mind to talk to her in the first place. After this years election though, the diversity of the party would definitely expand to include more than just white christians. AEPi (jewish frat) still won't be having any of these themed parties though...

 Cross your fingers for 2012, Evan Mann. Then again, the campaign ticket would just look like the sign outside your local law firm. "Shwartz and Weinberg 2012." The campaign ads would be great though. 

"Oy Vey. Have you seen this Barack Obama? What a klutz! Stop shlepping around with the problems of yesterday and elect Shwartz in '12! Mazel Tov!"

Stimulating the economy with stray pennies really isn't the best plan, though.

2. Nurses and Critical Care Patients - That's not saline solution in his IV...

3. Middle-Aged Bald Men and Mail Order Brides - Because walking around a crowded party with a girl on a leash can't possibly end well. Plus the characters are barely convincing if your date can speak english. 

4. 30s Party - It's tough to have a party in a hooverville, and no one looks good wearing dirty ripped blazers and broken, brimless fedoras. Then again, if you really get into character, you can drink to deal with the depression of not being able to support your family.

5. Top government officials and the prostitutes that ruined their careers - I'm still working on my Elliot Spitzer costume if this one ever happens.

6. CEOs and Gold Diggers - The more realistic corporate themed party... Donald Trump wigs will sell like stock in handguns and Jack Daniels during the recession. Let's just hope no one comes as Anna Nicole Smith...

7. Uptight Girls and their Gay Best Friends - The combination from hell...

So on the off chance these parties happen, most likely at the lame frats (I'm looking at you Lambda), you know who to credit.

Things That Suck

We live in a time of awesome things...

- iPods

- Wegmans

- Penicillin 

- Spike TV

- The Raconteurs 

- My Blog

However, for every few awesome things out there to impress, entertain and enlighten us, there is something that threatens our right to happiness, prosperity and a suck-free world. I will now highlight some major things that suck in different areas of our lives so that my millions (yea, millions) of readers can finally do something about them. The movement begins now:

1. Nickelback - If you were somehow able to play cow pies on a turntable, Nickelback would emanate from the speakers. I once asked a man to name a band with less musical and lyrical innovation than Nickelback, and after 10 seconds of deep thought, his head simply exploded. Chad Kroeger (the lead "singer") sounds like someone force fed Joe Cocker a bowl of industrial screws and then asked him to sing the SAME SONG over and over again. For 6 albums. Six! If you have never heard Nickelback, go listen to any song on youtube. It doesn't matter which, they're all the same. 

WARNING: Distance yourself from all sharp objects, small animals and anything which can be fastened into a noose. Play no more than 20 seconds of the song to avoid adverse reactions which include, but are not limited to:

- Hatred for music

- Disbelief in God

- Wall punching

- The desire to bomb Canada for producing this shit band

Oh yes, Nickelback is in fact Canadian. Not hard to believe at all. Much like the Canadian military, Nickelback's contribution to the world is so insignificant they might as well just go back to drinking wine, ice fishing and wearing Celine Dion concert tour t-shirts. 

A song off of their new album is called "Something in your Mouth." I wish that something was a ball gag tightly fastened to Chad Kroeger's mouth that would prevent him from polluting my ears with shitwaves. The other thing that annoys me is their vulgarity. Clearly, I could care less about cursing in music or subject matter. It's the fact that they use it just to use it, so people hear them say "shit" and then think they're cool and rebel rockers. It's the age old trick in music to grab the middle to high school listening audience that wants to listen to stuff their parents would be offended by or take away from them. Parents should take away their kid's Nickelback albums so that we can maybe infuse some decent music into the "Top 40"

Nickelback - See also:

Creed

Limp Bizkit

Air Supply

Duran Duran

2. Push (the movie) - The storyline didn't suck. The super powers didn't suck. Why not? Because Heroes doesn't suck, and Push is a carbon copy of Heroes (if you take out the good acting, character development and gorgeous blonde cheerleader). Has it really come to the point where we can't make original movies any more? Clearly, people like Scorcese, Gus Van Sant and Chris Nolan prove that you can still make good movies. 

So what's the problem? Not everyone is a critic, despite the common phrase. Not everyone looks for hidden themes, symbolism, meaning and profundity in their movies. Most people like explosions, shoot outs and sex scenes. There are crowds of people out there that would watch Angelina Jolie eat a salad on screen for an hour and a half. The men would watch it for, well, Angelina Jolie. The women would watch it hoping to find the secret ingredient in her salad that makes her look soooo good. I'll save you the time ladies, it's her genetics. 

The occasional popcorn movie is a damn good time. Copying a TV show that is STILL ON TV is just stupid. And whoever did the costumes for that movie and put Dakota Fanning in a 2 inch skirt needs to be put on a watch list.

3. Hot Pockets - Hot pockets are the leader of the army of shitty frozen foods that are threatening the art of cooking. The axis of evil keeping our country fat and lazy consists of:

- Hot Pockets

- McDonalds

- Qiznos (It's like someone saw that subway sandwiches were somewhat healthy and said "Know what this needs? Butter, fat, oil and more cheese")

Hot pockets are a step beyond the 200% daily sodium intake Hungry (fat) man dinners. They are made for people who are too lazy to even transfer their frozen dinner to a plate and ignore any type of meal construction at all. At least when you eat a Hungry Man dinner, you learn something. You learn that corn, mashed potatoes and read meat go well together so that one day, when you find the pots, pans and spatulas in your attic, you might be inspired to try this crazy thing called cooking for yourself.

As for people who say that there's no difference between a burger at McDonalds and a burger you make at home... please grasp your keyboard in both hands and beat yourself over the head with it. 

McDonalds burgers travel all over the country, get fried on a flat grill in massive numbers and are somehow ready for you 15 seconds after you say, "I would like to supersize a number two and add on an arterial ballooning procedure." This is not normal. Everything at McDonalds is fried. Nice variety. 

Nothing says "I don't love my family enough to cook" like a big bag of big macs and a bucket of fries for dinner. Let me get you started small:

1. Turn off ESPN or Oprah

2. Move the 20 bottles of prescription drugs aside and grab your keys

3. Drive to the store and buy some meat (like steak) and potatoes (not boxed mashed potatoes... last time I checked, potatoes were big, oval things that come out of the ground, not little dandruff looking flakes that turn magically into potatoes when you add water)

4. Go home, turn on the grill, grill the steak (don't forget to flip it!)

5. Put water into a pot, heat it up until its all bubbly, put potatoes without their skin in the water and keep them in there until they're softer (they should feel like your beer belly does when you press on it)

6. Take out your anger at your marriage/kids/favorite sports team on those soft potatoes until they look like mashed potatoes

7. Serve with the aforementioned steak with salt and pepper, maybe even some vegetables

You just made dinner that wasn't rolled up in a flaky pastry dough. Good, wasn't it?

Hint: You can, despite popular belief, cook and watch nascar at the same time. That clue right there just enlightened half of this country to start cooking.

Just remember, just because other people or other things suck does mean that you have to suck as well. With a little hard work, consistent reading of this blog and an adequate intake of antioxidants, you can begin the new, less suck-ish you. 

Quotes

So here are some quotes I have heard in the past few days that I found unbelievable or funny...

1. "Baby born with rare 12 fingers, 12 toes"

The title itself, not that interesting or funny. What is ridiculous is the fact that this headline is ahead of one that reads "Panasonic to cut 15,000 jobs." Maybe Comcast know people are tired of hearing about how shitty our country's economy is. Either way, how is the freak baby even newsworthy? And why was the word "rare" necessary in there? Does comcast think that people can't count,a nd by saying that this was a rare occurance, people would look down, finally count their fingers and toes and then exclaim, "holy shit! thats 2 more fingers and toes than I have! That must be more important than massive lay-offs and the decline of our country!" So instead of the headline which results in the pain and heartache of 15,000 people, we first see this headline, which just results in the parents feeling bad for smoking weed while their child was in the womb. The kid is going to thank them when he gets a job in the declining market, the demand has got to be high for people with 2 extra fingers. He can type faster, and probably do a whole bunch of other awesome shit I don't care to think about right now. I'm too busy feeling bad for 15,000 people.

2. "Iran launched homemade satellite"

It's not sputnik all over again, because we already have satellites. Hundreds of them, and they're not made out of tree branches and aluminum foil, like I'm sure this "homemade" satellite is. Imagine how gay this satellite is going to feel when it gets launched up there, feeling all cool for being the first Iranian satellite, and then it sees all the fancy US satellites that can shoot lasers and take videos and beam a cheeseburger to George Bush from outer space. Have fun floating around up there being the lame exchange student in the school of satellites.

3. "Manning brothers to Square off"

Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have both been selected for the pro bowl. While this is clearly a publicity move to get more than 7 people to watch the NFL pro bowl, I'm still going to tune in. Later in the article, they journalist talked about Eli throwing passes to Steve Smith in practice. No...not the Steve Smith that misses crucial passes in the first half of the Giants-Eagles playoff game...silly. The other one, you know, the good one that we wish we had to replace Plaxico "Are you serious?" Burress.

4. "I am not gay"

The above quote was by Jarrett Maggio. It's so cute when he tries to convince us...

5. "Bonds Evidence Coming"

As in Barry Bonds. How is this taking so long? He pee'd in a cup, you take it to a lab somewhere, you test it, and you say "Sorry douche, but we're going to let the guys who earned their records with hard work keep them." Do we even need a test? Look at the man, watch him when he swings. The umpire behind him got jacked just from inhaling his testosterone fumes. 

6. "Pot Charge Possible After Phelps Photo"

Proof that we in America can't just let our incredible, olympic athletes just have their success and enjoy it. He wasn't even caught with pot. He wasn't caught with it in his system. He was seen in a photo from months ago at a party with a pipe. He won you 8 gold medals! So now, because he's a celebrity, tons of cops and judges are looking into this photo. The narcotics division is involved as well... Really? Don't they have, Oh I don't know, real drugs to worry about? Like things that hurt people, stuff that people get shot over and suitcases full of millions of dollars get traded for. Not the stuff in the little plastic bag that Michael Phelps bought from some college guy. 

7. The lyrics to "Twilight Omens" by Franz Ferdinand

Need a reason to love this awesome band? Listen to this song. Fine, don't... I'll highlight the awesome lyrics for you. 

I typed your number into my calculator

Where it spelled a dirty word

When I turned it upside down

You can turn my dirty world

The bright way round

Franz Ferdinand just connected the stupid "boobless" crap you did in the 4th grade with a sentimental, awesome song. The CD is amazing, nothing funny here. Go listen to Franz Ferdinand, because they're brilliant and very funny.