Musings of a ShopRite Cashier

As my time at ShopRite comes to a close this week, I have become more observant of the types of people coming through my lines. If my customers are any indication of the intelligence of this nation, I recommend the gulags. Here are some observations:

1. I had a legit Native American come through my line. At least I am assuming he was because there would be no excuse for his behavior if he wasn't. He paid me in all Saquajawea golden dollars, regular silver change, and indian head pennies. My real question here is not "why?" but rather, "If he was going to work his crazy time traveling native american voo doo magic, why would he come to a time period where the economy blows?" To be included on my blog, that's why.

2. Yay rednecks. The shining moment in an otherwise dull shift. Nothing can brighten my day more than seeing a Dale Earnhardt hat stroll down my line with a basket full of hot pockets. Their leader came to ShopRite yesterday in full force. Rocking her Harley Davidson jacket and her daughter in matching jacket, she proceeded to place an order of over 150 items, all cans and frozen dinner on my line and then let her daughter run free in the store. This child ran all the way out the door and was waving to her mom from outside, at age 5. The fact that she wasn't abducted is proof that not even kidnappers want to steal a redneck child. What are they going to ask for in the ransom note, her collection of nascar mugs? Finally, the woman threatened to leash the girl when she came back inside. I have no punch-line or joke for that, because I don't see the need to further develop a hilarious situation.

3. Quite possibly the most senile woman in history came though my line. I was on the 20 items or less line from hell and she asked if she had less than 20 items. I kid you not, she had 4. If I ever... ever get to a point in my life where I cannot distinguish 4 from 20, kindly place a ShopRite plastic bag over my head.

4. In my boredom at the snack bar, where I had one customer in 30 minutes, my mind wandered so far that I even asked myself, "What ever happened to Hootie and the Blowfish?" Seriously though, I can only imagine that Hootie is playing Flight of the Conchords style gigs in like, Denny's or something. As for the Blowfish (proof that an awesome band name can only carry you so far when you suck), I'm sure they are sitting in a basement somewhere jamming and waiting for Hootie to call. On the off chance their spending some of their free time checking blogs, here's some advice: Stop trying, it's just sad.

With only 8 hours of work left at ShopRite, I think it's time for some final thoughts on a job that consumed my life for 2 years (and even came back after I went to college). What just happened? I honestly remember nothing from my time at ShopRite. Besides a general feeling of boredom and hatred for coupons, I have taken little from this job. I have gained the rare skill of being able to refer to vegetables by number. 

Peppers - 4065

Bananas - 4011

Stephen Hawking - #1 (Don't even challenge that, he's the man)

So overall, ShopRite made for some hilarious stories at the expense of strangers. If I take nothing else from these two years, at least I can say I had a quite a few damn good laughs. 

Rush Limbaugh

This post is not going to be funny. Those of you who read my blog for humor alone can kindly skip this post, and I won't mind. I just have to say this.

Rush Limbaugh claims to speak for America's interests. However, to say that you want America's President to fail is un-American and completely despicable.

Did I support Bush or his policies? No. But did I want them to fail just because I disagreed with them? Of course not. I wouldn't care who was in office or what their policies were as long as America was moving in a forward direction and that President's policies benefited the vast majority of Americans.

How can you wish for the failure of your nation's leader? How selfish is it to hope for him to fail just so you can laugh and say you told us so? Suck it up. Accept the fact that he is our president and either really behind him, or sit in quiet disagreement.  

If I needed another reason to rally behind Obama and his policies, I now have it... So Rush Limbaugh can eat his words when this country rights itself and gains respect from the world community. Good luck fighting your losing battle, Rush. Your kind are a dying breed, doing nothing but dragging this country down. It's a shame we're a lot stronger and supportive of our government than you give us credit for.

You sir, are an asshole.

Things that I have done while bored/Mike Birbiglia

Last week, pretty much all of my friends went back to school. I know what you are saying, "Dude, that's awesome. You have another 2 weeks off from college before you go back!"

No, it is not awesome, random guy who uses exclamation points in his speech. Everyone is gone, leaving me with nothing to do all week. I just wait for my high school friends to do stuff on weekends, making me feel like I am in high school once more. 

"What have you done with your time?"

Why don't you have some patience, guy, and I will fricken tell you. So in order to shut that guy up, I will now present a list of things that I have done over break so pass the time:

1. I tried to develop telekinesis - I was bored and I found a website claiming that anyone could use telekinesis. Then it gave step-by-step instructions on how to develop your ability. I did not just read the site, I tried... multiple times, to bend a spoon as per the instructions. I am kind of glad I didn't though, because when my mom asked what happened to the spoon I would have to utter the phrase, "I bent it with my mind" which would surely result in me spending the rest of my break in a padded cell.

2. Pushups - What? I did pushups. You asked for a list, deal with the fact that not everything will be funny. 

3. Work - I am working at ShopRite again, which is a treat and a half. If I was being paid the same amount of money to stick hair pins in my legs, I would opt for that job instead. 

4. Finding obscure messages in otherwise normal songs -  This is a fun game to play when you're bored. Pick a theme, any theme you would like to find in your music. Then hit shuffle on iTunes and, regardless of the song choice, connect that song to the theme. Did you know that Oops I did it Again is actually about Anne Frank? I didn't...Until I played this game.

5. Went to ridiculous places - The beach in winter (Nicole, it was a terrible idea. It wasn't fun because it was the beach, it was fun because our friends are retarded and made it funny) and the city twice in one weekend.

Which brings me to my next point. Go see Sleepwalk with Me, Mike Birbiglia's one man show. It's amazing. Really well done, hilarious but serious, funny and touching. I don't mean touching in the way the catholic church the uses it, but rather in the emotionally touching way. (Insert Our Father here, sorry about that one...)

I am also mentioning MIKE BIRBIGLIA because he alerted his audience that he gets google alerts whenever he is mentioned on a blog. Imagine him bored, waking up and finding this email like it is christmas morning and he just got the gift of recognition in my blog. This is reserved for a select few individuals and I am sure he will be honored. 

Hey Mike. Great show. I'm the guy that took a picture with you after the show and said "It was great" about 20 times because I couldn't think of much else to say at that moment (plus, I doubt you wanted a paragraph review in person). 

Inauguration: Some Observations

President Obama: Change is a Damn Good Thing

So there is no excuse for missing the Inauguration of our nation's 44th president. Seriously, I can think of only a few reasons you could have legitimately given for missing it:

1. You don't have a television, or any friends with a television

2. Chris Matthew's head frightens you (It's ok, it scares all of us)

Non-legitimate reasons:

1. You disapprove of his presidency (I disapprove of the Cardinals being in the playoffs while the Giants are not, and yet I will still watch it because it is a major sporting event, just as this was a major world event)

2. Diff'rent Strokes was on (This is never a legitimate excuse to miss anything, this show is God awful)

So, back to the inauguration. It was momentous. It was historical. It was...not what people were expecting. Everyone is complaining that Obama's speech was too grim, that there were no memorable lines or great metaphors. Sorry people, but that speech was the right way to go. The cute entertainment is kind of over. The election was fun and stuff, we had a few laughs and ran around throwing paper. What Obama did with that speech was say, "Pick up your shovels and let's dig ourselves out of this 8 years of accumulated crap."

Sorry for the break from humor... Let's return...

Two words. Aretha Franklin.

Every time the wind blew and that hat moved, Dick Cheney shifted in his wheelchair just begging to shoot it. Of course, Aretha wasn't the only superstar celebrity there... You would have thought Denzel Washington was Secretary of State the way he kept showing up. Not even Joe Biden was on stage the other night for Obama's speech at the Lincoln Memorial, but Denzel was. After seeing Training Day, I think Denzel might be Barack's head of Security.

In honor of Barack's presidency, I have prepared for him a list of things I expect to see by the end of his term, assuming we won't be wasting money in Iraq:

1. Jetpacks - It's a backpack full of fuel that powers little rocket engines, come on how do we not have this?!

2. Hovercars - I only need them to be 2 inches off the ground by the end of the first term. Too much to ask? I think not... If you get re-elected, I want a car that does Top Gun style flying maneuvers. Keep that in mind for the second term platform.

3. Song pills - I'll explain... I want to swallow the pill, then be able to open my mouth and have music come out. I'll actually be able to sing now...or appear to.

4. Cure for herpes - If I have to have my TV shows interrupted again to watch a middle aged man ride a bicycle then talk about how sad his herpes life is I'm going to throw a bottle of Valtrex at the screen.

5. A nationwide ban on Lucas/Spielberg sequels - For those of us that survived the Star Wars and Indiana Jones with relatively little psychological scarring, another film might just push me into insanity. Give the people what the really want... a Shortround spin-off movie entitled Shortround and the Taxi Cab Adventures

Oh, and while we're on the subject of sequels... Disney needs to stop too. I think they're up to Aladin 13 now, and if any Disney sequel past the number 3 comes out, I'm going to take a plane to Florida, unfreeze Walt Disney, and slap him.

6. Teleporters - You can't tell me that with a country as lazy as ours, we haven't tried harder to make this a reality? Which brings us to a new segment... the philosophical question of the week!

PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

If a teleporter works by breaking down your molecules and then transmitting the information to another teleporter which re-constructs you based upon the "blueprint" provided by the first teleporter, does the process kill you? (Since you are no longer made up of your own molecules, but new ones)