...Really?

With all of the unbelievable things happening right now, I find it a bit funny to take a step back and realize just how remarkably screwed we are. Allow me to list evey major issue I can recall that we are dealing with as a world right now:

Somali Pirates, Swine Flu, Global Economin Crisis, Celine Dion's release of her "Essentials Collection" and the abscence of creamy peanut butter at the Rodney Mart (just as many people like creamy as chunky!).

That is, if you were keeping count, the Great Depression, a plague and pirates all at once. Not to mention the continued threats of terrorism and the impending self-destruction of our own planet's ecological balance. The powers that be - 5. Us - 0.

Let's turn our attention to the idea of the Somali pirates. A threat so ridiculous I myself can barely believe it is happening as I type it. It's the kind of threat people did not really take seriously until they took an American hostage. Until then, American sentiment was, "That's silly! They think they're pirates... How adoreable. That one has no leg(and an AK-47), it's like a peg leg!" Then they took an American hostage and we shot them, and everyone rejoiced as Navy Seals trounced the pirate threat. But guess what... They have "mateys"! A lot more crazy, poverty driven people willing to do the same thing relentlessly until they prevail. I saw this movie. It was called "At World's End" and for the safety of our sailors, I recommend we back the hell off. I don't know how much damage your torpedo is going to do against the Kraken. My bet is on the giant water monster/killing machine. Tell Johnny Depp he better stop working on Batman 3 and get his ass onto the nearest battleship.

And of course, Swine flu! I feel like pandemics are soooo 18th century, and I for one am glad to see them back in action. And at my college, too! Tonight, I got this text message: "4 UD students have been diagnosed with influenza that meets probable definitions for swine flu."

Cue the collective "Shit!" which emanated from every room on my floor at once. Ladies and gentlemen, put your 401K money into purrell and surgical masks! We're in for one hell of a month. Anyone complaining of allergies, starting tonight, gets backhanded. There are people with swine flu and you're bitching because you have the snifflies? Shove a kleenex in your nose and let's get real.

Let's start our one sided rant by asking ourselves, "What do we do?" I for one am issuing a campus-wide warning. Anyone who sneezes, sniffles or coughs in my presence over the next month is getting a shot of lysol to the face. That's a simple warning for ya.

Next question, "How did the pig disease get here?" I know the answer to this. Will others challenge me on this? Yes, but I am also probably right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the culprit who brought swine flu to UD...

Actor John Leguizamo

It makes perfect sense. Only hours after Leguizamo came to UD to speak to a large room of people, 4 students went to the health center with symptoms consistent with swine flu. I for one never liked John's work, and while I admire his incredible story, I can't help but be a little upset over this outbreak.

On the plus side, think about what always comes with global pandemic... A widespread free spirited lifestyle in the face of an uncertain tomorrow, and some really good U2 songs.

The News

Every single headline on comcast today was upsetting. 

"Phil Spectre found guilty of murder"

"GM Recalls 1.5 Million Vehicles"

"Rape May be Alleged in Girl's Killing"

"Jay Leno TV Show a Hit"

Please, throw me a fricken bone here people. Oh wait, I think I see one. This story looks like it has humor and smile potential, "5-Year Old has Wild Subway Adventure."

Good for that kid! What kind of quests and awesome things did this little guy encounter on his "wild adventure"?!

-click on the link-

Authorities say a 5-year-old boy slipped onto a New York City subway alone and rode for 34 stops from the Bronx to the southern tip of Manhattan before anyone intercepted him.

For the love of God. They gave that article an adoreable headline?! This kid rode across a good stretch of the largest and most imtimidating/potentially dangerous city in the world. There was potential for kidnapping, and the authorities could only respond after 34 blocks at the earliest. Imagine this kid, in 10 years when he looks up this story. 

"Wild ride?! I pissed my pants, a homeless guy searched by Osh Kosh trousers for spare change and I got sneezed on or kicked by at least 14 pill-popping, clinically depressed stock brokers."

Want proof our society is spiralling downward? "Woman Jumps Into Polar Bear Enclosure." Yup, a woman jumped into a polar bear enclosure and was MAULED. The husband said he was shocked and wants the bears put down. 

...For what? Being Bears?! They are 800 pound kings of the fricken tundra pushed into an enclosure and this guy was shocked that they mauled his wife instead of giving here adoreable eskimo kisses and bear hugs. Imagine you're pulled out of your foreclosed home and stuck in a  cage. Then, someone walks by with a steak and throws that steak into your enclosure after you've spent 4 months eating oats and dried fruit. Guess what you're doing to that steak.

Want to know what the problem is? Want to know why people have these dumb ass misconceptions about things? 

Yup, Disney.

Why are people so thrown off by unhappy midgets? Because they sing and dance in Snow White. They have rosy red cheeks and adoreable little outfits and they can do irish dances. Guess what they're really like... You and me. They're just normal, smaller people who have trouble finding appropriate bathing suit sizes. But their attitudes? No more free-spirited, cheeky and fun than you or I. 

But that's unacceptable! They're small and you can pick them up like they're children but they're actually 35! Wrong. Disney just planted a little misrepresentation time bomb in your head.

Back to bears. Here is a quick run down of Disney movies that make people think that thundering, horrifying, killer animals just really want to be your friends.

Madagascar, Winnie and the Pooh, Jungle Book,  Tarzan, Mulan (taking it a step further and recommending you commit high treason against your own government and befriend dragons along the way), Brother Bear and Lilo and Stitch (It came from the sky, it doesn't speak english and it looks like Joe Pesci... want to put it in a hawaiian shirt and make it a part of out family?).

Why did Disney pick bears as their primary target for man/nature comraderie? Infact, why has society as a whole chosen bears?

Bear hugs - Encouraging the single worst thing you can ever do to a bear.

Gummy bears - Suggesting that every bear is different, and unique, and tastes slightly like cough medicine. Guess what, not every bear is unique. They come in very few colors and all want to do one thing; eat you.

Then we mock bears by putting their favorite food in the whole wide world into containers shaped like them. It's time to treat bears like the seemingly unstable person you work with. Befriend them, or at least back the hell off of them so that when the bears finally grow opposable thumbs, they'll let some of us live.

Edit: After completing this post, I clicked onto facebook and saw an advertisement for a Barack Obama Chia Pet. You water it and he grows an afro.

Let's learn from history. Horticulture +  Racism = War.

Honestly though, go watch this video.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY