My Top 4 Grievances with ESPN

Everyone loves ESPN. Turn it on for 5 seconds and get a quick look at the bottom line for scored. Watch it for 3 hours on a sunday morning and memorize the lines to sportscenter. Everyone does it, and then talks about how much they love ESPN.

I love ESPN too, I have no issue with the network. I do, however, have some bones to pick with the people of the network. I will now highlight 4 issues I have with the worldwide leader in sports:

1. Mel Kiper Jr. - Maybe I'm just jealous of the man with the best job in the world... Or perhaps I hate rimless glasses combined with a greasy hairdo and pointless anger. Honestly, how can Mel Kiper be angry...ever? His job is to sit in his house, eat macaroni and cheese and watch college football. 

Mel Kiper is to the NFL draft as groundhogs are to the spring. Groundhogs appear to tell us we're that much closer to spring, and Mel Kiper pops his giant head out of his hole to tell us that the NFL draft is coming. They also both like cheese doodles.

So far he sounds like a pro. But once we dig deeper and think about what his job actually is, you realize how much of a waste of carbon Mel Kiper really is. His purpose is to use scouting reports and trends and draft order to do mock drafts and try to predict how the NFL draft will go... Not seeing the issue? Alright, well let me lay some truth on you. Mel Kiper's mock draft has NO MERIT. No coach has ever watched Mel Kiper for info on players or advice on who to pick. His mock draft is simply there because we, as Americans are impatient. Football season is 2 months too short and we want it to last year round. That's why Mel "The 40 year old virgin" Kiper is on Sportscenter in February... 2 months before the draft! 

The San Diego Chargers were actually going to pick J.P. Losman until Kiper predicted they would pick Eli Manning in the 2004 NFL draft. Don't believe me? Good, because that's bullshit. Proof that Mel Kiper's only use is to provide ESPN with something to put on the air that makes us all feel a little more attractive and better about our lives. When Scott Van Pelt, ESPN's bitch, makes Chris Berman's morning 17 egg omelette he greases his pan with Kiper's face sweat.

2. Tony Reali - I feel a little bad about this one, since he's from Monroe township in Jersey and my grandma is close friends with his aunt. But grandma doesn't have a computer, so I'm going to go ahead and rip Reali a new one.

Tony Reali's sole purpose on his show Around the Horn is to tell Woody Paige (clearly the best part of the show) to shut up when he's actually being funny. He assigns sports journalists points if he likes their take on a big current issue in sports... but I don't care what he thinks, so I usually just end up throwing my remote at the TV when he gives JA Adande 4 points for using some specific stats and sounding like a total tool. 

Why does he love stats? Because before his job was hitting a mute button and throwing paper, he was stat boy on yet another blemish of ESPN, Pardon the Interruption. His job? Calling Tony Kornheiser an idiot at the end of every episode for getting some minor facts wrong. Aww, sorry Tony, Kornheiser does more than memorize sports stats and fantasize about Rachel Nichols on top of the sportscenter desk.

3. Pardon the Interruption (PTI) - If I want to listen to two guys bitch at each other and complain about sports, I'll walk into any room on my dorm floor. I want to know stats and news about sports, not why Tony Kronheiser doesn't like the Cavelier's throwback uniforms or the way Bobby Knight bitch slaps referees. I fell asleep once with PTI on and I woke up with a  pounding migraine and a slightly lower IQ.

I would rather watch Stuart Scott clean his glass eye for a half hour than listen to two middle aged men make bad jokes and bitch.

4. Swami Says - Chris Berman has crossed the line into the world of "too conceited" ever since he started predicting exact scores for games. I don't need you to tell me what the score of the game will be... that's ruining the ending asshole. I'm going to fly down to Berman's house right after I post this, hide in his closet, wait for him to watch the sixth sense for the first time, and then jump out right before the ending and tell him that the "swami says" Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. 

He'll get bright red faster than the last time he looked at himself in the mirror.

Failed College Party Themes

We all know the classic college party themes. CEOs and corporate hoes, ABC parties, highlighter parties, etc...

But what about all the bad ideas that got thrown out over the years. I dug deep and did some research (in my own head) about some party theme ideas that have failed over the years.

1. Presidential couples - Once the couple showed up as the FDR and Eleanor, the vibe was pretty much dead. Let's just saw first ladies (or first man-ladies...Hillary) haven't really been the peak of sexiness. Not even beer goggles can make Eleanor Roosevelt look appealing. I'm guessing it was FDR's polio meds that put him in any state of mind to talk to her in the first place. After this years election though, the diversity of the party would definitely expand to include more than just white christians. AEPi (jewish frat) still won't be having any of these themed parties though...

 Cross your fingers for 2012, Evan Mann. Then again, the campaign ticket would just look like the sign outside your local law firm. "Shwartz and Weinberg 2012." The campaign ads would be great though. 

"Oy Vey. Have you seen this Barack Obama? What a klutz! Stop shlepping around with the problems of yesterday and elect Shwartz in '12! Mazel Tov!"

Stimulating the economy with stray pennies really isn't the best plan, though.

2. Nurses and Critical Care Patients - That's not saline solution in his IV...

3. Middle-Aged Bald Men and Mail Order Brides - Because walking around a crowded party with a girl on a leash can't possibly end well. Plus the characters are barely convincing if your date can speak english. 

4. 30s Party - It's tough to have a party in a hooverville, and no one looks good wearing dirty ripped blazers and broken, brimless fedoras. Then again, if you really get into character, you can drink to deal with the depression of not being able to support your family.

5. Top government officials and the prostitutes that ruined their careers - I'm still working on my Elliot Spitzer costume if this one ever happens.

6. CEOs and Gold Diggers - The more realistic corporate themed party... Donald Trump wigs will sell like stock in handguns and Jack Daniels during the recession. Let's just hope no one comes as Anna Nicole Smith...

7. Uptight Girls and their Gay Best Friends - The combination from hell...

So on the off chance these parties happen, most likely at the lame frats (I'm looking at you Lambda), you know who to credit.

Things That Suck

We live in a time of awesome things...

- iPods

- Wegmans

- Penicillin 

- Spike TV

- The Raconteurs 

- My Blog

However, for every few awesome things out there to impress, entertain and enlighten us, there is something that threatens our right to happiness, prosperity and a suck-free world. I will now highlight some major things that suck in different areas of our lives so that my millions (yea, millions) of readers can finally do something about them. The movement begins now:

1. Nickelback - If you were somehow able to play cow pies on a turntable, Nickelback would emanate from the speakers. I once asked a man to name a band with less musical and lyrical innovation than Nickelback, and after 10 seconds of deep thought, his head simply exploded. Chad Kroeger (the lead "singer") sounds like someone force fed Joe Cocker a bowl of industrial screws and then asked him to sing the SAME SONG over and over again. For 6 albums. Six! If you have never heard Nickelback, go listen to any song on youtube. It doesn't matter which, they're all the same. 

WARNING: Distance yourself from all sharp objects, small animals and anything which can be fastened into a noose. Play no more than 20 seconds of the song to avoid adverse reactions which include, but are not limited to:

- Hatred for music

- Disbelief in God

- Wall punching

- The desire to bomb Canada for producing this shit band

Oh yes, Nickelback is in fact Canadian. Not hard to believe at all. Much like the Canadian military, Nickelback's contribution to the world is so insignificant they might as well just go back to drinking wine, ice fishing and wearing Celine Dion concert tour t-shirts. 

A song off of their new album is called "Something in your Mouth." I wish that something was a ball gag tightly fastened to Chad Kroeger's mouth that would prevent him from polluting my ears with shitwaves. The other thing that annoys me is their vulgarity. Clearly, I could care less about cursing in music or subject matter. It's the fact that they use it just to use it, so people hear them say "shit" and then think they're cool and rebel rockers. It's the age old trick in music to grab the middle to high school listening audience that wants to listen to stuff their parents would be offended by or take away from them. Parents should take away their kid's Nickelback albums so that we can maybe infuse some decent music into the "Top 40"

Nickelback - See also:

Creed

Limp Bizkit

Air Supply

Duran Duran

2. Push (the movie) - The storyline didn't suck. The super powers didn't suck. Why not? Because Heroes doesn't suck, and Push is a carbon copy of Heroes (if you take out the good acting, character development and gorgeous blonde cheerleader). Has it really come to the point where we can't make original movies any more? Clearly, people like Scorcese, Gus Van Sant and Chris Nolan prove that you can still make good movies. 

So what's the problem? Not everyone is a critic, despite the common phrase. Not everyone looks for hidden themes, symbolism, meaning and profundity in their movies. Most people like explosions, shoot outs and sex scenes. There are crowds of people out there that would watch Angelina Jolie eat a salad on screen for an hour and a half. The men would watch it for, well, Angelina Jolie. The women would watch it hoping to find the secret ingredient in her salad that makes her look soooo good. I'll save you the time ladies, it's her genetics. 

The occasional popcorn movie is a damn good time. Copying a TV show that is STILL ON TV is just stupid. And whoever did the costumes for that movie and put Dakota Fanning in a 2 inch skirt needs to be put on a watch list.

3. Hot Pockets - Hot pockets are the leader of the army of shitty frozen foods that are threatening the art of cooking. The axis of evil keeping our country fat and lazy consists of:

- Hot Pockets

- McDonalds

- Qiznos (It's like someone saw that subway sandwiches were somewhat healthy and said "Know what this needs? Butter, fat, oil and more cheese")

Hot pockets are a step beyond the 200% daily sodium intake Hungry (fat) man dinners. They are made for people who are too lazy to even transfer their frozen dinner to a plate and ignore any type of meal construction at all. At least when you eat a Hungry Man dinner, you learn something. You learn that corn, mashed potatoes and read meat go well together so that one day, when you find the pots, pans and spatulas in your attic, you might be inspired to try this crazy thing called cooking for yourself.

As for people who say that there's no difference between a burger at McDonalds and a burger you make at home... please grasp your keyboard in both hands and beat yourself over the head with it. 

McDonalds burgers travel all over the country, get fried on a flat grill in massive numbers and are somehow ready for you 15 seconds after you say, "I would like to supersize a number two and add on an arterial ballooning procedure." This is not normal. Everything at McDonalds is fried. Nice variety. 

Nothing says "I don't love my family enough to cook" like a big bag of big macs and a bucket of fries for dinner. Let me get you started small:

1. Turn off ESPN or Oprah

2. Move the 20 bottles of prescription drugs aside and grab your keys

3. Drive to the store and buy some meat (like steak) and potatoes (not boxed mashed potatoes... last time I checked, potatoes were big, oval things that come out of the ground, not little dandruff looking flakes that turn magically into potatoes when you add water)

4. Go home, turn on the grill, grill the steak (don't forget to flip it!)

5. Put water into a pot, heat it up until its all bubbly, put potatoes without their skin in the water and keep them in there until they're softer (they should feel like your beer belly does when you press on it)

6. Take out your anger at your marriage/kids/favorite sports team on those soft potatoes until they look like mashed potatoes

7. Serve with the aforementioned steak with salt and pepper, maybe even some vegetables

You just made dinner that wasn't rolled up in a flaky pastry dough. Good, wasn't it?

Hint: You can, despite popular belief, cook and watch nascar at the same time. That clue right there just enlightened half of this country to start cooking.

Just remember, just because other people or other things suck does mean that you have to suck as well. With a little hard work, consistent reading of this blog and an adequate intake of antioxidants, you can begin the new, less suck-ish you. 

Quotes

So here are some quotes I have heard in the past few days that I found unbelievable or funny...

1. "Baby born with rare 12 fingers, 12 toes"

The title itself, not that interesting or funny. What is ridiculous is the fact that this headline is ahead of one that reads "Panasonic to cut 15,000 jobs." Maybe Comcast know people are tired of hearing about how shitty our country's economy is. Either way, how is the freak baby even newsworthy? And why was the word "rare" necessary in there? Does comcast think that people can't count,a nd by saying that this was a rare occurance, people would look down, finally count their fingers and toes and then exclaim, "holy shit! thats 2 more fingers and toes than I have! That must be more important than massive lay-offs and the decline of our country!" So instead of the headline which results in the pain and heartache of 15,000 people, we first see this headline, which just results in the parents feeling bad for smoking weed while their child was in the womb. The kid is going to thank them when he gets a job in the declining market, the demand has got to be high for people with 2 extra fingers. He can type faster, and probably do a whole bunch of other awesome shit I don't care to think about right now. I'm too busy feeling bad for 15,000 people.

2. "Iran launched homemade satellite"

It's not sputnik all over again, because we already have satellites. Hundreds of them, and they're not made out of tree branches and aluminum foil, like I'm sure this "homemade" satellite is. Imagine how gay this satellite is going to feel when it gets launched up there, feeling all cool for being the first Iranian satellite, and then it sees all the fancy US satellites that can shoot lasers and take videos and beam a cheeseburger to George Bush from outer space. Have fun floating around up there being the lame exchange student in the school of satellites.

3. "Manning brothers to Square off"

Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have both been selected for the pro bowl. While this is clearly a publicity move to get more than 7 people to watch the NFL pro bowl, I'm still going to tune in. Later in the article, they journalist talked about Eli throwing passes to Steve Smith in practice. No...not the Steve Smith that misses crucial passes in the first half of the Giants-Eagles playoff game...silly. The other one, you know, the good one that we wish we had to replace Plaxico "Are you serious?" Burress.

4. "I am not gay"

The above quote was by Jarrett Maggio. It's so cute when he tries to convince us...

5. "Bonds Evidence Coming"

As in Barry Bonds. How is this taking so long? He pee'd in a cup, you take it to a lab somewhere, you test it, and you say "Sorry douche, but we're going to let the guys who earned their records with hard work keep them." Do we even need a test? Look at the man, watch him when he swings. The umpire behind him got jacked just from inhaling his testosterone fumes. 

6. "Pot Charge Possible After Phelps Photo"

Proof that we in America can't just let our incredible, olympic athletes just have their success and enjoy it. He wasn't even caught with pot. He wasn't caught with it in his system. He was seen in a photo from months ago at a party with a pipe. He won you 8 gold medals! So now, because he's a celebrity, tons of cops and judges are looking into this photo. The narcotics division is involved as well... Really? Don't they have, Oh I don't know, real drugs to worry about? Like things that hurt people, stuff that people get shot over and suitcases full of millions of dollars get traded for. Not the stuff in the little plastic bag that Michael Phelps bought from some college guy. 

7. The lyrics to "Twilight Omens" by Franz Ferdinand

Need a reason to love this awesome band? Listen to this song. Fine, don't... I'll highlight the awesome lyrics for you. 

I typed your number into my calculator

Where it spelled a dirty word

When I turned it upside down

You can turn my dirty world

The bright way round

Franz Ferdinand just connected the stupid "boobless" crap you did in the 4th grade with a sentimental, awesome song. The CD is amazing, nothing funny here. Go listen to Franz Ferdinand, because they're brilliant and very funny.