Ewoks

I know what you're saying to yourself... Jesse can't possibly be doing an entire post on the furry little ewoks from Star Wars.

 I am. 

Deal with it...

What is my issue with ewoks? I have no problem with the creatures themselves, my conflict lies more with Mr. Lucas. They are 3 foot tall furry creatures with spears, and you had them kill guys in armor with guns and giant metal robots. How is God's name did this...

Beat this?

The above is 3 story high metal robot with giant laser cannons and it lost in a fight with 3 foot high ewoks using spears and trees as weapons. Hey, here's an idea... Every time you take the giant robots into the dense forrest they get slammed in the face by trees. New game plan, stay the hell out of the forrest and just bomb it. 

Or, option 2. Realize that your robot design is terrible and send in the giant robots from the 5th movie. Why would this be a good design for robots? 70 feet tall with dense metal heads and scrawny, wobbly polio legs... They're the FDR of robots. Only difference is, they didn't linger for 8 years longer than they should have.

Because Banksy can be applied to any post...

Speaking of the giant ones from "Empire Strikes Back," can someone please tell me how that made sense at all. The skyscraper sized, laserproof robots don't have the leg strength to break through a rope. Really? George Lucas needs either a physics lesson, or a swift kick to the back of the head. I am prepared to deliver him either, or both. 

Their attack strategy was awful too. This quote is from an interview that completely exists:

"How about, instead of sending in a bunch of robots at once so maybe like, 1 or 2 die and the rest just crush all the little cabbage patch bitches, we send one at a time so they can see them coming, set up elaborate forrest themed booby traps and roll logs out in front of them." Said the obviously French General of Darth Vader's Army.

The movie then ends with the tiny, spear toting woodland creatures having a huge party with all of the "human" characters. Hairy midgets drinking and dancing to steel drum music with regular sized adults in a dimly lit, dense forrest. Sounds like the worst porn set-up since "The Hardy Boys and the Prison Shower Mystery." Google it.