President Obama: Change is a Damn Good Thing
So there is no excuse for missing the Inauguration of our nation's 44th president. Seriously, I can think of only a few reasons you could have legitimately given for missing it:
1. You don't have a television, or any friends with a television
2. Chris Matthew's head frightens you (It's ok, it scares all of us)
Non-legitimate reasons:
1. You disapprove of his presidency (I disapprove of the Cardinals being in the playoffs while the Giants are not, and yet I will still watch it because it is a major sporting event, just as this was a major world event)
2. Diff'rent Strokes was on (This is never a legitimate excuse to miss anything, this show is God awful)
So, back to the inauguration. It was momentous. It was historical. It was...not what people were expecting. Everyone is complaining that Obama's speech was too grim, that there were no memorable lines or great metaphors. Sorry people, but that speech was the right way to go. The cute entertainment is kind of over. The election was fun and stuff, we had a few laughs and ran around throwing paper. What Obama did with that speech was say, "Pick up your shovels and let's dig ourselves out of this 8 years of accumulated crap."
Sorry for the break from humor... Let's return...
Two words. Aretha Franklin.
Every time the wind blew and that hat moved, Dick Cheney shifted in his wheelchair just begging to shoot it. Of course, Aretha wasn't the only superstar celebrity there... You would have thought Denzel Washington was Secretary of State the way he kept showing up. Not even Joe Biden was on stage the other night for Obama's speech at the Lincoln Memorial, but Denzel was. After seeing Training Day, I think Denzel might be Barack's head of Security.
In honor of Barack's presidency, I have prepared for him a list of things I expect to see by the end of his term, assuming we won't be wasting money in Iraq:
1. Jetpacks - It's a backpack full of fuel that powers little rocket engines, come on how do we not have this?!
2. Hovercars - I only need them to be 2 inches off the ground by the end of the first term. Too much to ask? I think not... If you get re-elected, I want a car that does Top Gun style flying maneuvers. Keep that in mind for the second term platform.
3. Song pills - I'll explain... I want to swallow the pill, then be able to open my mouth and have music come out. I'll actually be able to sing now...or appear to.
4. Cure for herpes - If I have to have my TV shows interrupted again to watch a middle aged man ride a bicycle then talk about how sad his herpes life is I'm going to throw a bottle of Valtrex at the screen.
5. A nationwide ban on Lucas/Spielberg sequels - For those of us that survived the Star Wars and Indiana Jones with relatively little psychological scarring, another film might just push me into insanity. Give the people what the really want... a Shortround spin-off movie entitled Shortround and the Taxi Cab Adventures
Oh, and while we're on the subject of sequels... Disney needs to stop too. I think they're up to Aladin 13 now, and if any Disney sequel past the number 3 comes out, I'm going to take a plane to Florida, unfreeze Walt Disney, and slap him.
6. Teleporters - You can't tell me that with a country as lazy as ours, we haven't tried harder to make this a reality? Which brings us to a new segment... the philosophical question of the week!
PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK
If a teleporter works by breaking down your molecules and then transmitting the information to another teleporter which re-constructs you based upon the "blueprint" provided by the first teleporter, does the process kill you? (Since you are no longer made up of your own molecules, but new ones)
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Headlines On This Date 4 Years Ago:
"Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops Die in unarmored Humvees"
"Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times"
"Fat cats get their $42 million inauguration party, Ordinary Americans get the shaft"
Headlines Today:
"Historic Obama Inauguration will cost only $120 million"
"Obama Spends $120 million on inauguration; America Needs A Big Party"
"Everyman Obama shows America how to celebrate"
"Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama Inauguration"
I'm gonna guess most of those headlines are from MSNBC... Even I'll admit they're easily the most liberal channel.
Just think of this Inauguration like Mardi Gras. We get one day to feel good about our country again before we start fasting and dealing with issues caused by the Bush administration.
A teleportation device would NOT work by deconstructing your molecular skeleton and transporting a blueprint to another machine. Rather, the device would work according to the Electron Wave Theory, stating that electrons moving through space are moving quickly enough to be considered and treated as waves. The device itself would only work to accelerate the movement of sub-atomic particles until they can be focused into a single beam of molecular energy (much like Einstein's "singularity" theory, there comes a point where the speed of the molecules overrides their forces of attraction to surrounding molecules.) If this speed could be reached (much more than 100 times the speed of light), then the molecules that once made up your body could be focused into a single laser-like ray of energy and transported to the other teleportation vessel. There, the molecules would be slowed and return to their former positions in accordance with the forces of attraction surrounding all molecules. So...no, you would not ever be considered "dead" because your body never loses life, you will be still be composed of all your origional molecules moving at their normal speed and in their normal positions.
...bitch.
Actually, the most realistic teleportation device we could ever hope to make DOES involve transporting your 'blueprint'. It would work much like we scan and email pictures today...your body would be scanned at site A, your information would be compressed and sent, and your cells would be reconstructed at site B. To keep there from being 2 of you, your physical body at site A would be destroyed/deconstructed and the remaining matter would be used to create any other teleporter being REconstructed at site A. BUT, you, in the sense of your identity and self, is still very much in tact at site B - because how we measure the self is based on our mind, not our body (think: Bob gets his leg mauled by a dog and has to get it amputated....so now Bob has no leg, but he's still Bob, right? What if this same concept extends to his other limbs too? He continues to be Bob.)
In short, your physical body IS killed at site A, but your self continues on as the teleporter who arrived on site B.
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