True Life

I was watching True Life the other day and I caught an interesting episode. It contained all of the "True Life" cases that ended up on the cutting room floor. I thought I would review some of my favorites. (Attention: That backstory was a lie... I came up with these)

1. True Life: I had a Horrific Super-Glue Accident

Truly tragic, this episode of True Life focused on those who encountered issues in the use of super glue. They included Jimothy Smits who, when confronted with the issue of a lack of hand lotion, had superglued his hands to his nethers. This unique incident eliminated the option of "just pouring nail polish remover on it" and Jimothy has spent the past 4 years with his hands securely glued to his johnson.  After years of scientific inquiry, medical professionals have ruled out any possible treatment, and Jimothy's parents have opened a foundation entitled, appropriately, "Raise money to get Jimothy's hands out of his pants." They have raised in excess of $4000, which went towards Jimothy's feeding tube and catheterization.

2. True Life: My Grandfather is awkwardly touchy with my female friends

Adrian DeNunez complains that his female friends refuse to come over his house because his grandfather makes them reach into his pocket for Werthers Originals. Claiming his hands are too large for his pockets, Adrian's grandfather asks for the help of Adrian's friends in the removal of hard candy from his back pockets. Adrian also claims that his grandfather will often ask his lady friends if they would like to see his war medals, and then parades around the house in nothing but briefs, highwater socks and his medals of valor, although Adrian claims his grandfather was never in a war and simply bought the medals at a thrift store. When asked to comment, Adrian's Grandfather simply enlightened our reporters that he used to walk uphill both ways going to and from school, and then removed his pants in the interview room.

3. True Life: I Have Over 26 names for my package

Chris Hanz is having a tough time picking up woman who are confused when he asks them if they would like two backstage passes to meet Diana Ross and the Supremes. When our female journalist went to interview him, he claimed he would not answer any questions until she shook hands with Benny and the Jets. Chris has compiled a list as part of his therapy to rid himself of this disorder, which we have gathered a few choice exerpts from:

-Iron Man and the Avengers

-Vlad the Impaler

-Russel the one-eyed wonder muscle

-Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

4. True Life: I Wear Sunglasses In Innapropriate Situations

This episode's alternate title was "I am a douche bag who ignores the purpose of sunglasses." John Kazinski has been mocked by his peers for his excessive wearing of sunglasses for years. When reached for comment, John simply replied, "I like wearing sunglasses all the time because it makes me different. It's like they serve two purposes; to hide my eyes from UV rays, and to hide my self-consciousness from the world." John has also been to rehab for his overuse of the words "tight" and "bro" and his inability to wear his baseball cap in the correct frontways position. Last year, John went into bankruptcy when he spent over $12,000 on flourescent sneakers, glow in the dark hooded sweatshirts and clever t-shirts with witty pop-culture references on them. Psychologists have noted John's lack of individual identity and personality as reasons behind his multiple addictions.