Somali Pirates, Swine Flu, Global Economin Crisis, Celine Dion's release of her "Essentials Collection" and the abscence of creamy peanut butter at the Rodney Mart (just as many people like creamy as chunky!).
That is, if you were keeping count, the Great Depression, a plague and pirates all at once. Not to mention the continued threats of terrorism and the impending self-destruction of our own planet's ecological balance. The powers that be - 5. Us - 0.
Let's turn our attention to the idea of the Somali pirates. A threat so ridiculous I myself can barely believe it is happening as I type it. It's the kind of threat people did not really take seriously until they took an American hostage. Until then, American sentiment was, "That's silly! They think they're pirates... How adoreable. That one has no leg(and an AK-47), it's like a peg leg!" Then they took an American hostage and we shot them, and everyone rejoiced as Navy Seals trounced the pirate threat. But guess what... They have "mateys"! A lot more crazy, poverty driven people willing to do the same thing relentlessly until they prevail. I saw this movie. It was called "At World's End" and for the safety of our sailors, I recommend we back the hell off. I don't know how much damage your torpedo is going to do against the Kraken. My bet is on the giant water monster/killing machine. Tell Johnny Depp he better stop working on Batman 3 and get his ass onto the nearest battleship.
And of course, Swine flu! I feel like pandemics are soooo 18th century, and I for one am glad to see them back in action. And at my college, too! Tonight, I got this text message: "4 UD students have been diagnosed with influenza that meets probable definitions for swine flu."
Cue the collective "Shit!" which emanated from every room on my floor at once. Ladies and gentlemen, put your 401K money into purrell and surgical masks! We're in for one hell of a month. Anyone complaining of allergies, starting tonight, gets backhanded. There are people with swine flu and you're bitching because you have the snifflies? Shove a kleenex in your nose and let's get real.
Let's start our one sided rant by asking ourselves, "What do we do?" I for one am issuing a campus-wide warning. Anyone who sneezes, sniffles or coughs in my presence over the next month is getting a shot of lysol to the face. That's a simple warning for ya.
Next question, "How did the pig disease get here?" I know the answer to this. Will others challenge me on this? Yes, but I am also probably right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the culprit who brought swine flu to UD...
Actor John Leguizamo
It makes perfect sense. Only hours after Leguizamo came to UD to speak to a large room of people, 4 students went to the health center with symptoms consistent with swine flu. I for one never liked John's work, and while I admire his incredible story, I can't help but be a little upset over this outbreak.
On the plus side, think about what always comes with global pandemic... A widespread free spirited lifestyle in the face of an uncertain tomorrow, and some really good U2 songs.
1 comment:
"Beautiful Day" was written shortly after SARS and Mad Cow Disease fucked and had a Bird Flu baby.
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