Things That Suck

We live in a time of awesome things...

- iPods

- Wegmans

- Penicillin 

- Spike TV

- The Raconteurs 

- My Blog

However, for every few awesome things out there to impress, entertain and enlighten us, there is something that threatens our right to happiness, prosperity and a suck-free world. I will now highlight some major things that suck in different areas of our lives so that my millions (yea, millions) of readers can finally do something about them. The movement begins now:

1. Nickelback - If you were somehow able to play cow pies on a turntable, Nickelback would emanate from the speakers. I once asked a man to name a band with less musical and lyrical innovation than Nickelback, and after 10 seconds of deep thought, his head simply exploded. Chad Kroeger (the lead "singer") sounds like someone force fed Joe Cocker a bowl of industrial screws and then asked him to sing the SAME SONG over and over again. For 6 albums. Six! If you have never heard Nickelback, go listen to any song on youtube. It doesn't matter which, they're all the same. 

WARNING: Distance yourself from all sharp objects, small animals and anything which can be fastened into a noose. Play no more than 20 seconds of the song to avoid adverse reactions which include, but are not limited to:

- Hatred for music

- Disbelief in God

- Wall punching

- The desire to bomb Canada for producing this shit band

Oh yes, Nickelback is in fact Canadian. Not hard to believe at all. Much like the Canadian military, Nickelback's contribution to the world is so insignificant they might as well just go back to drinking wine, ice fishing and wearing Celine Dion concert tour t-shirts. 

A song off of their new album is called "Something in your Mouth." I wish that something was a ball gag tightly fastened to Chad Kroeger's mouth that would prevent him from polluting my ears with shitwaves. The other thing that annoys me is their vulgarity. Clearly, I could care less about cursing in music or subject matter. It's the fact that they use it just to use it, so people hear them say "shit" and then think they're cool and rebel rockers. It's the age old trick in music to grab the middle to high school listening audience that wants to listen to stuff their parents would be offended by or take away from them. Parents should take away their kid's Nickelback albums so that we can maybe infuse some decent music into the "Top 40"

Nickelback - See also:

Creed

Limp Bizkit

Air Supply

Duran Duran

2. Push (the movie) - The storyline didn't suck. The super powers didn't suck. Why not? Because Heroes doesn't suck, and Push is a carbon copy of Heroes (if you take out the good acting, character development and gorgeous blonde cheerleader). Has it really come to the point where we can't make original movies any more? Clearly, people like Scorcese, Gus Van Sant and Chris Nolan prove that you can still make good movies. 

So what's the problem? Not everyone is a critic, despite the common phrase. Not everyone looks for hidden themes, symbolism, meaning and profundity in their movies. Most people like explosions, shoot outs and sex scenes. There are crowds of people out there that would watch Angelina Jolie eat a salad on screen for an hour and a half. The men would watch it for, well, Angelina Jolie. The women would watch it hoping to find the secret ingredient in her salad that makes her look soooo good. I'll save you the time ladies, it's her genetics. 

The occasional popcorn movie is a damn good time. Copying a TV show that is STILL ON TV is just stupid. And whoever did the costumes for that movie and put Dakota Fanning in a 2 inch skirt needs to be put on a watch list.

3. Hot Pockets - Hot pockets are the leader of the army of shitty frozen foods that are threatening the art of cooking. The axis of evil keeping our country fat and lazy consists of:

- Hot Pockets

- McDonalds

- Qiznos (It's like someone saw that subway sandwiches were somewhat healthy and said "Know what this needs? Butter, fat, oil and more cheese")

Hot pockets are a step beyond the 200% daily sodium intake Hungry (fat) man dinners. They are made for people who are too lazy to even transfer their frozen dinner to a plate and ignore any type of meal construction at all. At least when you eat a Hungry Man dinner, you learn something. You learn that corn, mashed potatoes and read meat go well together so that one day, when you find the pots, pans and spatulas in your attic, you might be inspired to try this crazy thing called cooking for yourself.

As for people who say that there's no difference between a burger at McDonalds and a burger you make at home... please grasp your keyboard in both hands and beat yourself over the head with it. 

McDonalds burgers travel all over the country, get fried on a flat grill in massive numbers and are somehow ready for you 15 seconds after you say, "I would like to supersize a number two and add on an arterial ballooning procedure." This is not normal. Everything at McDonalds is fried. Nice variety. 

Nothing says "I don't love my family enough to cook" like a big bag of big macs and a bucket of fries for dinner. Let me get you started small:

1. Turn off ESPN or Oprah

2. Move the 20 bottles of prescription drugs aside and grab your keys

3. Drive to the store and buy some meat (like steak) and potatoes (not boxed mashed potatoes... last time I checked, potatoes were big, oval things that come out of the ground, not little dandruff looking flakes that turn magically into potatoes when you add water)

4. Go home, turn on the grill, grill the steak (don't forget to flip it!)

5. Put water into a pot, heat it up until its all bubbly, put potatoes without their skin in the water and keep them in there until they're softer (they should feel like your beer belly does when you press on it)

6. Take out your anger at your marriage/kids/favorite sports team on those soft potatoes until they look like mashed potatoes

7. Serve with the aforementioned steak with salt and pepper, maybe even some vegetables

You just made dinner that wasn't rolled up in a flaky pastry dough. Good, wasn't it?

Hint: You can, despite popular belief, cook and watch nascar at the same time. That clue right there just enlightened half of this country to start cooking.

Just remember, just because other people or other things suck does mean that you have to suck as well. With a little hard work, consistent reading of this blog and an adequate intake of antioxidants, you can begin the new, less suck-ish you.