Quotes

So here are some quotes I have heard in the past few days that I found unbelievable or funny...

1. "Baby born with rare 12 fingers, 12 toes"

The title itself, not that interesting or funny. What is ridiculous is the fact that this headline is ahead of one that reads "Panasonic to cut 15,000 jobs." Maybe Comcast know people are tired of hearing about how shitty our country's economy is. Either way, how is the freak baby even newsworthy? And why was the word "rare" necessary in there? Does comcast think that people can't count,a nd by saying that this was a rare occurance, people would look down, finally count their fingers and toes and then exclaim, "holy shit! thats 2 more fingers and toes than I have! That must be more important than massive lay-offs and the decline of our country!" So instead of the headline which results in the pain and heartache of 15,000 people, we first see this headline, which just results in the parents feeling bad for smoking weed while their child was in the womb. The kid is going to thank them when he gets a job in the declining market, the demand has got to be high for people with 2 extra fingers. He can type faster, and probably do a whole bunch of other awesome shit I don't care to think about right now. I'm too busy feeling bad for 15,000 people.

2. "Iran launched homemade satellite"

It's not sputnik all over again, because we already have satellites. Hundreds of them, and they're not made out of tree branches and aluminum foil, like I'm sure this "homemade" satellite is. Imagine how gay this satellite is going to feel when it gets launched up there, feeling all cool for being the first Iranian satellite, and then it sees all the fancy US satellites that can shoot lasers and take videos and beam a cheeseburger to George Bush from outer space. Have fun floating around up there being the lame exchange student in the school of satellites.

3. "Manning brothers to Square off"

Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have both been selected for the pro bowl. While this is clearly a publicity move to get more than 7 people to watch the NFL pro bowl, I'm still going to tune in. Later in the article, they journalist talked about Eli throwing passes to Steve Smith in practice. No...not the Steve Smith that misses crucial passes in the first half of the Giants-Eagles playoff game...silly. The other one, you know, the good one that we wish we had to replace Plaxico "Are you serious?" Burress.

4. "I am not gay"

The above quote was by Jarrett Maggio. It's so cute when he tries to convince us...

5. "Bonds Evidence Coming"

As in Barry Bonds. How is this taking so long? He pee'd in a cup, you take it to a lab somewhere, you test it, and you say "Sorry douche, but we're going to let the guys who earned their records with hard work keep them." Do we even need a test? Look at the man, watch him when he swings. The umpire behind him got jacked just from inhaling his testosterone fumes. 

6. "Pot Charge Possible After Phelps Photo"

Proof that we in America can't just let our incredible, olympic athletes just have their success and enjoy it. He wasn't even caught with pot. He wasn't caught with it in his system. He was seen in a photo from months ago at a party with a pipe. He won you 8 gold medals! So now, because he's a celebrity, tons of cops and judges are looking into this photo. The narcotics division is involved as well... Really? Don't they have, Oh I don't know, real drugs to worry about? Like things that hurt people, stuff that people get shot over and suitcases full of millions of dollars get traded for. Not the stuff in the little plastic bag that Michael Phelps bought from some college guy. 

7. The lyrics to "Twilight Omens" by Franz Ferdinand

Need a reason to love this awesome band? Listen to this song. Fine, don't... I'll highlight the awesome lyrics for you. 

I typed your number into my calculator

Where it spelled a dirty word

When I turned it upside down

You can turn my dirty world

The bright way round

Franz Ferdinand just connected the stupid "boobless" crap you did in the 4th grade with a sentimental, awesome song. The CD is amazing, nothing funny here. Go listen to Franz Ferdinand, because they're brilliant and very funny.