Live Post

I want to do a live post. That means, as i watch or read something I simultaneously post my thoughts on it. I need some good ideas, so now is your chance to gain eternal glory by providing me with some options! Comment with your best ideas of what I can watch/listen to/read/do while posting about it.

Reward: $500

Find my mind. Please...

Chemistry has officially blown my mind. Not  because it fascinates or surprises me, but because I jam packed so much useless info into my head that the pressure caused it to blow. And with a head my size, that's an accomplishment. I spent 8 hours at the Morris Library today studying chemistry and covered half of the topics on tomorrow's exam from hell...

Want proof that I have officially lost it. I drew this tonight after returning from the library:

This...is Smiley Cyrus

Don't hate on Smiley Cyrus, because she just bein smiley...

This is proof that forcing chemistry onto any student is inhumane. This is some crazy, Mengele mind experiment to see how far chemistry can push one student before said student snaps. Well Poppa Jimmy Wingrave (my chem professor that looks like santa and is composed of the manifestation of everything boring put into one person) you've done it. At approximately 12:00 am on the day of our chem exam, you fried my brain beyond repair. I hope you're happy. I'm going role reversal this Christmas and delivering you the gift of victory. I fought the good fight, but you and your lecture manual and lab write ups have mind-raped me beyond repair. 

Rumor is Jimmy Wingrave runs on the sadness and failure of others. Like a vampire, he sucks the academic zeal out of his students, growing stronger by the day. He must be stopped...

Ewoks

I know what you're saying to yourself... Jesse can't possibly be doing an entire post on the furry little ewoks from Star Wars.

 I am. 

Deal with it...

What is my issue with ewoks? I have no problem with the creatures themselves, my conflict lies more with Mr. Lucas. They are 3 foot tall furry creatures with spears, and you had them kill guys in armor with guns and giant metal robots. How is God's name did this...

Beat this?

The above is 3 story high metal robot with giant laser cannons and it lost in a fight with 3 foot high ewoks using spears and trees as weapons. Hey, here's an idea... Every time you take the giant robots into the dense forrest they get slammed in the face by trees. New game plan, stay the hell out of the forrest and just bomb it. 

Or, option 2. Realize that your robot design is terrible and send in the giant robots from the 5th movie. Why would this be a good design for robots? 70 feet tall with dense metal heads and scrawny, wobbly polio legs... They're the FDR of robots. Only difference is, they didn't linger for 8 years longer than they should have.

Because Banksy can be applied to any post...

Speaking of the giant ones from "Empire Strikes Back," can someone please tell me how that made sense at all. The skyscraper sized, laserproof robots don't have the leg strength to break through a rope. Really? George Lucas needs either a physics lesson, or a swift kick to the back of the head. I am prepared to deliver him either, or both. 

Their attack strategy was awful too. This quote is from an interview that completely exists:

"How about, instead of sending in a bunch of robots at once so maybe like, 1 or 2 die and the rest just crush all the little cabbage patch bitches, we send one at a time so they can see them coming, set up elaborate forrest themed booby traps and roll logs out in front of them." Said the obviously French General of Darth Vader's Army.

The movie then ends with the tiny, spear toting woodland creatures having a huge party with all of the "human" characters. Hairy midgets drinking and dancing to steel drum music with regular sized adults in a dimly lit, dense forrest. Sounds like the worst porn set-up since "The Hardy Boys and the Prison Shower Mystery." Google it.

Am I right?

I am so sick of hearing from these rappers how hard their lives are and how I do not understand their struggle... 

I was out of knives today and had to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a plastic spoon. Try to spread skippy extra chunky and smuckers grape with a plastic spoon and THEN tell me how much harder life in the "chi" is. That's what I thought, Common...

Full post coming later today

Turkeys

Bush wouldn't pardon this turkey, so it had to "persuade" him

Thanksgiving has finally crossed the line and become insane. Sarah Palin appears in an interview following her pardoning of a turkey. If you do not know what this is, it is a very strange custom in which politicians will "pardon" a turkey and it will in turn not be killed for thanksgiving.

What a wonderful sentiment, let the one turkey live and slaughter the rest of its family, and then have a celebration in honor of this. This seems oddly familiar to another event we celebrate this time of year...

Oh right! That time we came over to land that wasn't ours, had the indigenous people teach us how to maximize what we got from the land, and then gave them small pox.

In honor of this "unfortunate" series of coincidentally beneficial events, we now have Thanksgiving. I am sure that the Palin interview mirrors something similar that would have happened back in those founding days of our nation. 

She stands there, in front of a large machine while a man lowers turkeys head first into a tube, and then removes their heads. Palin remains completely unfazed, because hell, she did all she could do. Pardoning one turkey was hard enough, you seriously want her to pardon all of those? Then what are her 1823 children (and grandchild on the way!) going to eat? 

Imagine a very similar situation as a curious reporter asks an English settler about the new land:

Reporter: Well it sure looks like you've got some great land here, how did you find uninhabited, quality land?

Settler: Just dumb luck I guess. (As native americans in the background attempt to extinguish tee-pee fires)

Reporter: We found these vials of small pox just sitting around, any idea what these were for?

Settler: ...Over here we have our new irrigation system

Reporter: Is that a body?

Settler: ...

**Headline: Reporter dies after severe case of smallpox and scalping**

At this time of year, it becomes important to realize what you are truly thankful for:

1. Small Pox, without it we wouldn't have Thanksgiving break or Thanksgiving. I wouldn't get to go home from college, see all of my friends and eat hot, delicious home cooked food.

2. Pocahontas, for drilling the idea of American sympathies towards Native Americans into the minds of our children for decades.

3. Ramen, for being 45 cents a package and also for being so tasty

4. Treadmills, for burning off ramen and 1-am wings from two brothers

5. Canada, for stealing Thanksgiving from us. Now everyone is distracted and thinks you're douche bags while we celebrate genocide with a 4 course meal.

6. The NY Jets, for beating the overrated Tennessee Titans so that the Giants can establish themselves officially as the best team in the NFL

7. Andy Reid, for being football play calling retarded and then selfishly putting the blame on Donovan McNabb. It's like watching a soap opera only I don't feel emasculated.

8. John Cusack, for existing so that girls could tell me I look like him and make starting conversations easier.

9. John Madden, for teaching me that I really can be anything I want, even if I don't have the skill set to do it. The man says nothing for two and a half hours and has a video game named after him... One of life's great mysteries.

10. Myself, because without me, where would I be? 

...Did that just blow your mind? 

For example, this hairdryer will blow your mind.

How about this...

Every time you try to get to a certain point, you first have to go halfway there. Then, to continue to your destination, you have to go half way there as well. This pattern continues, with you continually getting halfway to your target from your current position, since you always have to get halfway there first. If that is the case, how do you ever get to your final destination, when there are an infinite number of halfway points to overcome.

And...discuss

Twilight

This is what America has come to...

Love stories about shiny vampires and shy, low-self esteem girls.

He's a vampire! Watch him be conflicted about biting the girl he loves! She's going to make a transition from shy and outcast to loved and confident! This is every cliche love story ever written, but with vampires...

Twilight is not original, it's formulaic. It combines two genres of book that I cannot stand... cute teenage romance and vampires. Much like Edward Cullen, this book sucks.

Have I read it? No, I do not need to... I can judge solely on the reactions people have to it, which brings me to my next point...

EDWARD CULLEN IS NOT REAL

I can just hear your mood hitting rock bottom...

He is a fictional character, and even if he were real, he would not date you. First of all, why are you obsessed with him?

1. He's shiny. You can't take him anywhere, because you will look absolutely ridiculous. 

"Oh, so nice to meet you. Yes, that's my boyfriend over there. The shiny, pale one sucking the blood out of your cat. He's wonderful"

2. How can you even be around someone who sucks the blood out of animals?

"Oh, you just sucked the blood out of a dirty, rabies infested raccoon? I would love to kiss you and then get vaccinated"

Last time I checked, girls love small adorable woodland critters. Apparently you love people who consume them more.

3. He is over 100 years old!!! You should probably avoid any guy who can be that old and still have all the machinery running. The girl in the book is 17 when she falls in love with him. Hugh Heffner's got nothing on this (illegal) trophy girlfriend. An age different of 90 years... That's healthy.

A girl being obsessed with a vampire who constantly has to restrain himself from eating her is far from a model relationship. Apparently the only thing that gets girls more than confidence is the idea of being eaten by a vampire.  It's kind of disturbing... 

The fact that girls out there are obsessed as well leads us to a new problem... When the real vampires come, stupid girls everywhere are going to try to get with them.

Have you seen Nosferatu?! Yea, he's real sexy. He has the same traits as Edward... pale, mysterious, likes to suck blood, FICTIONAL.

I'd hit that.

If I started walking around tomorrow, super pale with glitter on my skin, drinking the blood out of a furry little bunny using my giant, overbite fangs, apparently girls everywhere would be all over me. Note to self: Break out the craft supplies.

Please, read a book of substance...

Suggestions:

1. Some Dan Brown, Angels and Demons is one of the best books ever written

2. Watchmen, it's got pretty pictures for all of you out there in the Twilight mentality, and it also happens to be THE best book I have ever read

3. War and Peace, which I have not read. I don't expect you too either, I instead recommend that you use it to knock some sense into you before you go rambling on about vampires. I figured that War and Peace's length is about to equal to Twilight's stupidity (over 1400 pages).

4. DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, so that you can diagnose yourself with an obsessive disorder and get some treatment. We're worried about you... No one has loved a fictional character this much since the sex scene in Space Jam (Michael Jordan and Lola Bunny, it's on the 6 disc special edition. Trust me, it's there).

So, now that I've injected you with some common sense, go back to reading Twilight. Maybe then Edward Cullen can suck the common sense right back out.

(Carly Weinreb provided the idea, Kelliann Decarlo provided the inspiration. He's not real babe, sorry)

makemebabies.com

The greatest time waster of all time has been discovoered. Do yourself a big favor and check out http://www.makemebabies.com...

The site allows you to plug in two pictures of people, or whatever, and see what would happen if they had a baby. It's easily the most fun you will have on the internet.

Possible uses: 

1. See if your relationship is worth the effort or if you should end it now... If you're going to have ugly babies with someone, it might be time to consider adoption or a new partner entirely

2. Use pre-prepared pictures as an argument for a second date. Nothing gets a girl on board for date number 2 like a picture of your potential offspring.

3. Figure out if you were adopted. Upload pictures of both parents, and if you do not come out of the automatic baby generator, it may be time to have a talk with your "parents."

Now, I give you a few examples of this site's awesomeness:

When Perri and I have our test-tube baby and legally name it cookieface, it will look like this...

Sexy, right? Maybe he won't be the best looking kid, but he has the most kickass parents ever.

Next, I know you're all dying to find out what my baby with Carmen Electra will look like, since it is inevitable:

This one confuses me... I'm not sure where the hair came from, and I'm detecting a degree of African descent in the child... Carmen was cheating on me! Then again, we all know where it got that forehead (me, have you seen it?! its big!)

When the US government somehow infuses a child with both Chuck Norris's and my own genetics and creates a Captain America-esque alpha-human, it will look like this:

 

So on the accurate site, this kid is obviously hemorrhaging manliness. I appreciate the construction helmet as testament to his scruffy and badass persona, but we all know his skull will be indestructible and this is just not necessary. Those are not braces on his teeth, since they are perfect. They are just the remnants of his daily breakfast of rusted nails and creatine supplement.

Finally, as a test, I plugged my parents into the generator... 

Impossible... The lies! The deception! Years of believing that these two incredible people were my parents. I don't know what to believe anymore. (Side note: While not my real parents, they are still the two coolest parents ever. So I'll keep em. Be jealous)

So that's about it. If I can't think of anything else to post, have an awesome Thanksgiving. No snarky comments, no sarcasm... I love Thanksgiving. Does it have to do with the fact that my family is 4 times better than yours and they cook an astonishing 5 to 6 times better than yours? Yes...yes it does. Enjoy your dry turkey and crusty, poorly prepared stuffing. Hope the gravy masks you family's culinary mistakes while I enjoy the best food ever!

xoxo

Gossip Girl is stupid