Turkeys

Bush wouldn't pardon this turkey, so it had to "persuade" him

Thanksgiving has finally crossed the line and become insane. Sarah Palin appears in an interview following her pardoning of a turkey. If you do not know what this is, it is a very strange custom in which politicians will "pardon" a turkey and it will in turn not be killed for thanksgiving.

What a wonderful sentiment, let the one turkey live and slaughter the rest of its family, and then have a celebration in honor of this. This seems oddly familiar to another event we celebrate this time of year...

Oh right! That time we came over to land that wasn't ours, had the indigenous people teach us how to maximize what we got from the land, and then gave them small pox.

In honor of this "unfortunate" series of coincidentally beneficial events, we now have Thanksgiving. I am sure that the Palin interview mirrors something similar that would have happened back in those founding days of our nation. 

She stands there, in front of a large machine while a man lowers turkeys head first into a tube, and then removes their heads. Palin remains completely unfazed, because hell, she did all she could do. Pardoning one turkey was hard enough, you seriously want her to pardon all of those? Then what are her 1823 children (and grandchild on the way!) going to eat? 

Imagine a very similar situation as a curious reporter asks an English settler about the new land:

Reporter: Well it sure looks like you've got some great land here, how did you find uninhabited, quality land?

Settler: Just dumb luck I guess. (As native americans in the background attempt to extinguish tee-pee fires)

Reporter: We found these vials of small pox just sitting around, any idea what these were for?

Settler: ...Over here we have our new irrigation system

Reporter: Is that a body?

Settler: ...

**Headline: Reporter dies after severe case of smallpox and scalping**

At this time of year, it becomes important to realize what you are truly thankful for:

1. Small Pox, without it we wouldn't have Thanksgiving break or Thanksgiving. I wouldn't get to go home from college, see all of my friends and eat hot, delicious home cooked food.

2. Pocahontas, for drilling the idea of American sympathies towards Native Americans into the minds of our children for decades.

3. Ramen, for being 45 cents a package and also for being so tasty

4. Treadmills, for burning off ramen and 1-am wings from two brothers

5. Canada, for stealing Thanksgiving from us. Now everyone is distracted and thinks you're douche bags while we celebrate genocide with a 4 course meal.

6. The NY Jets, for beating the overrated Tennessee Titans so that the Giants can establish themselves officially as the best team in the NFL

7. Andy Reid, for being football play calling retarded and then selfishly putting the blame on Donovan McNabb. It's like watching a soap opera only I don't feel emasculated.

8. John Cusack, for existing so that girls could tell me I look like him and make starting conversations easier.

9. John Madden, for teaching me that I really can be anything I want, even if I don't have the skill set to do it. The man says nothing for two and a half hours and has a video game named after him... One of life's great mysteries.

10. Myself, because without me, where would I be? 

...Did that just blow your mind? 

For example, this hairdryer will blow your mind.

How about this...

Every time you try to get to a certain point, you first have to go halfway there. Then, to continue to your destination, you have to go half way there as well. This pattern continues, with you continually getting halfway to your target from your current position, since you always have to get halfway there first. If that is the case, how do you ever get to your final destination, when there are an infinite number of halfway points to overcome.

And...discuss

Twilight

This is what America has come to...

Love stories about shiny vampires and shy, low-self esteem girls.

He's a vampire! Watch him be conflicted about biting the girl he loves! She's going to make a transition from shy and outcast to loved and confident! This is every cliche love story ever written, but with vampires...

Twilight is not original, it's formulaic. It combines two genres of book that I cannot stand... cute teenage romance and vampires. Much like Edward Cullen, this book sucks.

Have I read it? No, I do not need to... I can judge solely on the reactions people have to it, which brings me to my next point...

EDWARD CULLEN IS NOT REAL

I can just hear your mood hitting rock bottom...

He is a fictional character, and even if he were real, he would not date you. First of all, why are you obsessed with him?

1. He's shiny. You can't take him anywhere, because you will look absolutely ridiculous. 

"Oh, so nice to meet you. Yes, that's my boyfriend over there. The shiny, pale one sucking the blood out of your cat. He's wonderful"

2. How can you even be around someone who sucks the blood out of animals?

"Oh, you just sucked the blood out of a dirty, rabies infested raccoon? I would love to kiss you and then get vaccinated"

Last time I checked, girls love small adorable woodland critters. Apparently you love people who consume them more.

3. He is over 100 years old!!! You should probably avoid any guy who can be that old and still have all the machinery running. The girl in the book is 17 when she falls in love with him. Hugh Heffner's got nothing on this (illegal) trophy girlfriend. An age different of 90 years... That's healthy.

A girl being obsessed with a vampire who constantly has to restrain himself from eating her is far from a model relationship. Apparently the only thing that gets girls more than confidence is the idea of being eaten by a vampire.  It's kind of disturbing... 

The fact that girls out there are obsessed as well leads us to a new problem... When the real vampires come, stupid girls everywhere are going to try to get with them.

Have you seen Nosferatu?! Yea, he's real sexy. He has the same traits as Edward... pale, mysterious, likes to suck blood, FICTIONAL.

I'd hit that.

If I started walking around tomorrow, super pale with glitter on my skin, drinking the blood out of a furry little bunny using my giant, overbite fangs, apparently girls everywhere would be all over me. Note to self: Break out the craft supplies.

Please, read a book of substance...

Suggestions:

1. Some Dan Brown, Angels and Demons is one of the best books ever written

2. Watchmen, it's got pretty pictures for all of you out there in the Twilight mentality, and it also happens to be THE best book I have ever read

3. War and Peace, which I have not read. I don't expect you too either, I instead recommend that you use it to knock some sense into you before you go rambling on about vampires. I figured that War and Peace's length is about to equal to Twilight's stupidity (over 1400 pages).

4. DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, so that you can diagnose yourself with an obsessive disorder and get some treatment. We're worried about you... No one has loved a fictional character this much since the sex scene in Space Jam (Michael Jordan and Lola Bunny, it's on the 6 disc special edition. Trust me, it's there).

So, now that I've injected you with some common sense, go back to reading Twilight. Maybe then Edward Cullen can suck the common sense right back out.

(Carly Weinreb provided the idea, Kelliann Decarlo provided the inspiration. He's not real babe, sorry)

makemebabies.com

The greatest time waster of all time has been discovoered. Do yourself a big favor and check out http://www.makemebabies.com...

The site allows you to plug in two pictures of people, or whatever, and see what would happen if they had a baby. It's easily the most fun you will have on the internet.

Possible uses: 

1. See if your relationship is worth the effort or if you should end it now... If you're going to have ugly babies with someone, it might be time to consider adoption or a new partner entirely

2. Use pre-prepared pictures as an argument for a second date. Nothing gets a girl on board for date number 2 like a picture of your potential offspring.

3. Figure out if you were adopted. Upload pictures of both parents, and if you do not come out of the automatic baby generator, it may be time to have a talk with your "parents."

Now, I give you a few examples of this site's awesomeness:

When Perri and I have our test-tube baby and legally name it cookieface, it will look like this...

Sexy, right? Maybe he won't be the best looking kid, but he has the most kickass parents ever.

Next, I know you're all dying to find out what my baby with Carmen Electra will look like, since it is inevitable:

This one confuses me... I'm not sure where the hair came from, and I'm detecting a degree of African descent in the child... Carmen was cheating on me! Then again, we all know where it got that forehead (me, have you seen it?! its big!)

When the US government somehow infuses a child with both Chuck Norris's and my own genetics and creates a Captain America-esque alpha-human, it will look like this:

 

So on the accurate site, this kid is obviously hemorrhaging manliness. I appreciate the construction helmet as testament to his scruffy and badass persona, but we all know his skull will be indestructible and this is just not necessary. Those are not braces on his teeth, since they are perfect. They are just the remnants of his daily breakfast of rusted nails and creatine supplement.

Finally, as a test, I plugged my parents into the generator... 

Impossible... The lies! The deception! Years of believing that these two incredible people were my parents. I don't know what to believe anymore. (Side note: While not my real parents, they are still the two coolest parents ever. So I'll keep em. Be jealous)

So that's about it. If I can't think of anything else to post, have an awesome Thanksgiving. No snarky comments, no sarcasm... I love Thanksgiving. Does it have to do with the fact that my family is 4 times better than yours and they cook an astonishing 5 to 6 times better than yours? Yes...yes it does. Enjoy your dry turkey and crusty, poorly prepared stuffing. Hope the gravy masks you family's culinary mistakes while I enjoy the best food ever!

xoxo

Gossip Girl is stupid

Know what I hate?

More than UFC, more than Canada, more than Smashing Pumpkins...

I hate you.

I hate you for not commenting my blog, so get on that! 

I want comments, I want traffic! Tell your friends, tell people I don't even know, I don't care. They deserve to have their eyes opened too!

Comment my blog, and get the word out. For every 10 people you tell about my blog, you save a kitten. No joke, I've got a bag of them right here and I am going to start letting them out, as long as I get traffic.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GOOGLE EMAIL MEMBER TO COMMENT, JUST CHOOSE THE OTHER OPTION AND JUST LEAVE YOUR NAME!

UFC fighting

Ultimate Fighting has been called "the equivalent of ancient Roman gladiator battles" and is followed religiously by many who consider themselves even manlier just for watching the "sport." I have quite the wake-up call for all of you out there who watch UFC: You're kind of gay...

Don't believe me? Turn the volume on your television off and sit and watch UFC. I have a little game I play when I do this that I like to call "How long will it take for me to feel uncomfortable and emasculated." My best time 7 seconds. Want more proof? Take a look at these action shots from a UFC fight:

This move is called "The Anaconda"...I kid you not.

As in "Look at that one UFC fighter giving the other one the Anaconda." Or, "Did you see his anaconda in the second round? It sure was nice."

UFC has been donned a "nearly lawless fighting sport." However, there are over 30 defined rules in a UFC fight. I give you some examples:

1. Eye Gouging of any kind (Many fans practice this after 10 seconds watching the homoeroticism of a UFC fight, as it is legal for the spectators to do unto themselves)

2. Spitting at the opponent 

3. Throwing your opponent out of the ring or fenced area (This is just ridiculous. The idea of one 200 pound man tossing anything but the other 200 pound fighter's salad is unrealistic)

4. Grabbing the clavicle 

5. Small joint manipulation 

And my personal favorite:

Putting a finger into any orifice

That's right, a reach around is strictly prohibited during a UFC fight, and should only be practiced by the fighters after the match is over as a form of congratulations. 

I should also note that the welterweight title (between 156 and 170 pounds, is held by a Canadian named Georges St. Pierre. He is to France and Canada what Barack Obama is to Americans, a beacon of hope in a world spiraling downwards. Only difference is, he's the one guy of French-canadian descent to do anything but ice fish in the last century. I guess over in Canada, that's change. Maybe next they'll contribute something to the world besides maple syrup and socialism.

The fact that UFC has killed boxing (with the help of Don King) is disgraceful. We have replaced a sport that requires skill and muscle with one that requires just a lot of muscle and the ability to conceal your boner while wrestling with a large man in tight shorts. Where is the skill in wrapping your legs missionary style around a half-unconscious man while punching him nearly bare-knuckled? Don't go looking for it, it's not there. 

How to Use Google Trends

Google trends is an incredibly useful and informative resource, and I would like to pick out a few trends that really stuck out as interesting to me:

1. Search France, and you get this graph of trends

What does this graph say about France? Notice the 

relative lack of interest about France throughout most of the calendar year. The nation most likely to search for France on 

google...is France! What a surprise, those smug Frenchies are most likely to look themselves up on google. It must be discou

raging to search for your nation on google and find nothing but news stories about how pussy you've been lately and pictures of the eiffel tower, snails and this...

I know what you're saying to yourself... "There is no way that a picture of 5 shirtless men swimming in France comes up on the first page of image results on google." It does. 

Another interesting point of the graph

 of trends is the spike one a year in interest in France. This can only be explained through one very logical hypothesis. French people have terrible hygiene and ar

e a generally lazy, unproductive people. Once a year, however, even they cannot stand the smell of body odor, cheap wine and cigarette smoke. So they bathe. Once a year, they break out the soap and head to the public bath house where they compare packages and talk about bread (which they do every day, but not in the nude). It is the peak of productivity in France, and for a solid month after this glorious day of actually getting shit done, they feel empowered. A nationalistic pride spread across the wine soaked lands and therefore, they search for their own nation on google. 

The nation that searches for France the second most is Morocco. According to statistics that definitely exist, 7 people and 2 camels have computers in Morocco, so their coming in second doesn't bode well for France.

Another trend of interest is cannibalism, as shown below:

Notice how trendy cannibalism was in early 2004. I have a few theories behind this spike in cannibalism:

1. George W. Bush wins re-election. In disbelief that this could ever happen in reality, people begin eating each other out of sheer confusion and disbelief.

2. 2004 was declared the international year of rice by the UN. Looking for something to eat besides bland, boring rice, people turn to cannibalism for the sake of variety.

3. The last coal mine in France was closed this year. With no cash or food supply, the French people turn to cannibalism as a primary food source.

4. The "curse of the bambino" is broken by the Boston Red Sox. In celebration, the Red Sox nation consumes an estimated 40,000 New York Yankee fans.

5. Marlon Brando's body finally ends its fight with his exponentially increasing weight issue, due in large part to massive amounts of cannibalism by Marlon.

6. Mount St. Helen's becomes active again and the people of Washington state begin their ritualistic cannibalistic sacrifice to appease the volcano Gods.

So you can hold, George W. Bush, the United Nations, France (of course), Babe Ruth, Marlon Brando and the State of Washington for these atrocities.

No Homo

READ THE FIRST ENTRY FIRST

READ THE FIRST ENTRY FIRST

No Homo is an overused term by men of all ages, but primarily among college-age males. It can be used in almost any situation, but guys are using it as a way to borderline rape their fellow men. You can call it when you tell someone you like their shoes, you can call it when touch someone oddly, but you cannot call it when you dry hump your buddy at a party. 

Hypothetical situation I've never been in:

Guy 1: Hey man, nice pants. They look kickass with your Celine Dion tour t-shirt. No homo

Guy 2: Thanks dude, great package. No homo

Guy 1: Want to go have gay sex? No homo

Guy 2: Can I finish my wine cooler first?

None of the uses of no homo in this situation were acceptable or appropriate. Celine Dion is ridiculous for a few reasons:

1. She's from Canada

2. She pronounces words wrong. It's not an accent, it's wrong (this does not go for all places, just Canada)

3. She sucks

As for the package comment, any comment about another man's body/genitals in inexcusable and should be kept within the depths of your hair covered chest because any comment of this nature is, in fact, homo.

No homo should have been used after the wine cooler comment, since contrary to popular belief, they are not made from wine and juices but in fact from concentrated gay.

Below is a list of things not excusable through the use of No Homo:

1. Being from France

2. Gay Sex

3. Watching lifetime network

4. Working out to Richard Simmons

5.  Spending more than 10 seconds talking about a rainbow

6. Comparing penises 

7. Winning your buddy a prize at the fair

8. Eating tofu

9. Eating turkey substitutes for anything (if you're going to eat turkey meatballs, just go the half-step further and have balls instead)

10. Smacking you buddy's ass in a non-locker room/sports game setting

11. Jack Johnson

So stop using no homo for everything and admit your brief lapses of heterosexuality. Thank you

The First Entry

And on the seventh day, God created Me

My name is Jesse, and this is my blog. I had one a while ago, then I got distracted by sleeping, eating and watching TV. Now I am at college, and I am using the blog to distract me from studying, sleeping all day and being generally unproductive. 

About me: I'm fucking awesome. I am occasionally witty and always interesting. You will read this blog regularly because it mirrors these traits. 

People who should read my blog: You, people who have no religion and need one, anyone who could use a drop-kick to the head of humor and wisdom, those less enlightened than myself (everyone) and a publishing company looking to put out a book of my stuff (I'll only do it for a suitcase of cold hard cash).

People who should not (and cannot) read my blog because it will blow their minds all over their computer screens: Canadians, French people, French Canadians, Atheists (because I will become their God, and they will explode from the paradox), Dallas Cowboys fans and people who don't appreciate humor (douche bags).

With that being said, welcome aboard. I'll update every few days to give your mind a chance to absorb/recover before blowing it all over again.