UFC fighting

Ultimate Fighting has been called "the equivalent of ancient Roman gladiator battles" and is followed religiously by many who consider themselves even manlier just for watching the "sport." I have quite the wake-up call for all of you out there who watch UFC: You're kind of gay...

Don't believe me? Turn the volume on your television off and sit and watch UFC. I have a little game I play when I do this that I like to call "How long will it take for me to feel uncomfortable and emasculated." My best time 7 seconds. Want more proof? Take a look at these action shots from a UFC fight:

This move is called "The Anaconda"...I kid you not.

As in "Look at that one UFC fighter giving the other one the Anaconda." Or, "Did you see his anaconda in the second round? It sure was nice."

UFC has been donned a "nearly lawless fighting sport." However, there are over 30 defined rules in a UFC fight. I give you some examples:

1. Eye Gouging of any kind (Many fans practice this after 10 seconds watching the homoeroticism of a UFC fight, as it is legal for the spectators to do unto themselves)

2. Spitting at the opponent 

3. Throwing your opponent out of the ring or fenced area (This is just ridiculous. The idea of one 200 pound man tossing anything but the other 200 pound fighter's salad is unrealistic)

4. Grabbing the clavicle 

5. Small joint manipulation 

And my personal favorite:

Putting a finger into any orifice

That's right, a reach around is strictly prohibited during a UFC fight, and should only be practiced by the fighters after the match is over as a form of congratulations. 

I should also note that the welterweight title (between 156 and 170 pounds, is held by a Canadian named Georges St. Pierre. He is to France and Canada what Barack Obama is to Americans, a beacon of hope in a world spiraling downwards. Only difference is, he's the one guy of French-canadian descent to do anything but ice fish in the last century. I guess over in Canada, that's change. Maybe next they'll contribute something to the world besides maple syrup and socialism.

The fact that UFC has killed boxing (with the help of Don King) is disgraceful. We have replaced a sport that requires skill and muscle with one that requires just a lot of muscle and the ability to conceal your boner while wrestling with a large man in tight shorts. Where is the skill in wrapping your legs missionary style around a half-unconscious man while punching him nearly bare-knuckled? Don't go looking for it, it's not there.