I love ESPN too, I have no issue with the network. I do, however, have some bones to pick with the people of the network. I will now highlight 4 issues I have with the worldwide leader in sports:
1. Mel Kiper Jr. - Maybe I'm just jealous of the man with the best job in the world... Or perhaps I hate rimless glasses combined with a greasy hairdo and pointless anger. Honestly, how can Mel Kiper be angry...ever? His job is to sit in his house, eat macaroni and cheese and watch college football.
Mel Kiper is to the NFL draft as groundhogs are to the spring. Groundhogs appear to tell us we're that much closer to spring, and Mel Kiper pops his giant head out of his hole to tell us that the NFL draft is coming. They also both like cheese doodles.
So far he sounds like a pro. But once we dig deeper and think about what his job actually is, you realize how much of a waste of carbon Mel Kiper really is. His purpose is to use scouting reports and trends and draft order to do mock drafts and try to predict how the NFL draft will go... Not seeing the issue? Alright, well let me lay some truth on you. Mel Kiper's mock draft has NO MERIT. No coach has ever watched Mel Kiper for info on players or advice on who to pick. His mock draft is simply there because we, as Americans are impatient. Football season is 2 months too short and we want it to last year round. That's why Mel "The 40 year old virgin" Kiper is on Sportscenter in February... 2 months before the draft!
The San Diego Chargers were actually going to pick J.P. Losman until Kiper predicted they would pick Eli Manning in the 2004 NFL draft. Don't believe me? Good, because that's bullshit. Proof that Mel Kiper's only use is to provide ESPN with something to put on the air that makes us all feel a little more attractive and better about our lives. When Scott Van Pelt, ESPN's bitch, makes Chris Berman's morning 17 egg omelette he greases his pan with Kiper's face sweat.
2. Tony Reali - I feel a little bad about this one, since he's from Monroe township in Jersey and my grandma is close friends with his aunt. But grandma doesn't have a computer, so I'm going to go ahead and rip Reali a new one.
Tony Reali's sole purpose on his show Around the Horn is to tell Woody Paige (clearly the best part of the show) to shut up when he's actually being funny. He assigns sports journalists points if he likes their take on a big current issue in sports... but I don't care what he thinks, so I usually just end up throwing my remote at the TV when he gives JA Adande 4 points for using some specific stats and sounding like a total tool.
Why does he love stats? Because before his job was hitting a mute button and throwing paper, he was stat boy on yet another blemish of ESPN, Pardon the Interruption. His job? Calling Tony Kornheiser an idiot at the end of every episode for getting some minor facts wrong. Aww, sorry Tony, Kornheiser does more than memorize sports stats and fantasize about Rachel Nichols on top of the sportscenter desk.
3. Pardon the Interruption (PTI) - If I want to listen to two guys bitch at each other and complain about sports, I'll walk into any room on my dorm floor. I want to know stats and news about sports, not why Tony Kronheiser doesn't like the Cavelier's throwback uniforms or the way Bobby Knight bitch slaps referees. I fell asleep once with PTI on and I woke up with a pounding migraine and a slightly lower IQ.
I would rather watch Stuart Scott clean his glass eye for a half hour than listen to two middle aged men make bad jokes and bitch.
4. Swami Says - Chris Berman has crossed the line into the world of "too conceited" ever since he started predicting exact scores for games. I don't need you to tell me what the score of the game will be... that's ruining the ending asshole. I'm going to fly down to Berman's house right after I post this, hide in his closet, wait for him to watch the sixth sense for the first time, and then jump out right before the ending and tell him that the "swami says" Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time.
He'll get bright red faster than the last time he looked at himself in the mirror.
8 comments:
The way you described Mel Kiper Jr. - "rimless glasses combined with a greasy hairdo and pointless anger" - sounds kinda like me... :(
That sounds nothing like you...
Your anger is usually directed at something, and your hair is not greasy as far as I know... it definitely isn't 40% of your daily saturated fat intake, like Kiper's is.
It actually seeps through his skull into his body, making it very hard for him to diet
i didn't even bother reading this one...too long for me.
...and i don't think you are greasy phil :)
whats an ESPN?
my main problem with espn is their lack of attention nor enthusiasm for hockey. if they show it at all, it's the bottom line, the top play in the league, or a lackluster highlight reel where 90% of the names are mispronounced.
but anyway, i share your hatred for pti. i would be more for just blowing up the bottom line and scrolling it across the entire screen.
I would get more info out of half hour of the bottom line...
And yea, just because less people watch hockey doesn't mean it should get reallocated to the bottom corner of the screen... and the highlights are always entertaining.
As I swallow my pride I will go on to say...Jesse, I actually completely agree with every word you have said. And your were also quite humorous... God that was difficult. I need to take a shower. I feel dirty.
Post a Comment