Twilight

This is what America has come to...

Love stories about shiny vampires and shy, low-self esteem girls.

He's a vampire! Watch him be conflicted about biting the girl he loves! She's going to make a transition from shy and outcast to loved and confident! This is every cliche love story ever written, but with vampires...

Twilight is not original, it's formulaic. It combines two genres of book that I cannot stand... cute teenage romance and vampires. Much like Edward Cullen, this book sucks.

Have I read it? No, I do not need to... I can judge solely on the reactions people have to it, which brings me to my next point...

EDWARD CULLEN IS NOT REAL

I can just hear your mood hitting rock bottom...

He is a fictional character, and even if he were real, he would not date you. First of all, why are you obsessed with him?

1. He's shiny. You can't take him anywhere, because you will look absolutely ridiculous. 

"Oh, so nice to meet you. Yes, that's my boyfriend over there. The shiny, pale one sucking the blood out of your cat. He's wonderful"

2. How can you even be around someone who sucks the blood out of animals?

"Oh, you just sucked the blood out of a dirty, rabies infested raccoon? I would love to kiss you and then get vaccinated"

Last time I checked, girls love small adorable woodland critters. Apparently you love people who consume them more.

3. He is over 100 years old!!! You should probably avoid any guy who can be that old and still have all the machinery running. The girl in the book is 17 when she falls in love with him. Hugh Heffner's got nothing on this (illegal) trophy girlfriend. An age different of 90 years... That's healthy.

A girl being obsessed with a vampire who constantly has to restrain himself from eating her is far from a model relationship. Apparently the only thing that gets girls more than confidence is the idea of being eaten by a vampire.  It's kind of disturbing... 

The fact that girls out there are obsessed as well leads us to a new problem... When the real vampires come, stupid girls everywhere are going to try to get with them.

Have you seen Nosferatu?! Yea, he's real sexy. He has the same traits as Edward... pale, mysterious, likes to suck blood, FICTIONAL.

I'd hit that.

If I started walking around tomorrow, super pale with glitter on my skin, drinking the blood out of a furry little bunny using my giant, overbite fangs, apparently girls everywhere would be all over me. Note to self: Break out the craft supplies.

Please, read a book of substance...

Suggestions:

1. Some Dan Brown, Angels and Demons is one of the best books ever written

2. Watchmen, it's got pretty pictures for all of you out there in the Twilight mentality, and it also happens to be THE best book I have ever read

3. War and Peace, which I have not read. I don't expect you too either, I instead recommend that you use it to knock some sense into you before you go rambling on about vampires. I figured that War and Peace's length is about to equal to Twilight's stupidity (over 1400 pages).

4. DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, so that you can diagnose yourself with an obsessive disorder and get some treatment. We're worried about you... No one has loved a fictional character this much since the sex scene in Space Jam (Michael Jordan and Lola Bunny, it's on the 6 disc special edition. Trust me, it's there).

So, now that I've injected you with some common sense, go back to reading Twilight. Maybe then Edward Cullen can suck the common sense right back out.

(Carly Weinreb provided the idea, Kelliann Decarlo provided the inspiration. He's not real babe, sorry)