...Really?

With all of the unbelievable things happening right now, I find it a bit funny to take a step back and realize just how remarkably screwed we are. Allow me to list evey major issue I can recall that we are dealing with as a world right now:

Somali Pirates, Swine Flu, Global Economin Crisis, Celine Dion's release of her "Essentials Collection" and the abscence of creamy peanut butter at the Rodney Mart (just as many people like creamy as chunky!).

That is, if you were keeping count, the Great Depression, a plague and pirates all at once. Not to mention the continued threats of terrorism and the impending self-destruction of our own planet's ecological balance. The powers that be - 5. Us - 0.

Let's turn our attention to the idea of the Somali pirates. A threat so ridiculous I myself can barely believe it is happening as I type it. It's the kind of threat people did not really take seriously until they took an American hostage. Until then, American sentiment was, "That's silly! They think they're pirates... How adoreable. That one has no leg(and an AK-47), it's like a peg leg!" Then they took an American hostage and we shot them, and everyone rejoiced as Navy Seals trounced the pirate threat. But guess what... They have "mateys"! A lot more crazy, poverty driven people willing to do the same thing relentlessly until they prevail. I saw this movie. It was called "At World's End" and for the safety of our sailors, I recommend we back the hell off. I don't know how much damage your torpedo is going to do against the Kraken. My bet is on the giant water monster/killing machine. Tell Johnny Depp he better stop working on Batman 3 and get his ass onto the nearest battleship.

And of course, Swine flu! I feel like pandemics are soooo 18th century, and I for one am glad to see them back in action. And at my college, too! Tonight, I got this text message: "4 UD students have been diagnosed with influenza that meets probable definitions for swine flu."

Cue the collective "Shit!" which emanated from every room on my floor at once. Ladies and gentlemen, put your 401K money into purrell and surgical masks! We're in for one hell of a month. Anyone complaining of allergies, starting tonight, gets backhanded. There are people with swine flu and you're bitching because you have the snifflies? Shove a kleenex in your nose and let's get real.

Let's start our one sided rant by asking ourselves, "What do we do?" I for one am issuing a campus-wide warning. Anyone who sneezes, sniffles or coughs in my presence over the next month is getting a shot of lysol to the face. That's a simple warning for ya.

Next question, "How did the pig disease get here?" I know the answer to this. Will others challenge me on this? Yes, but I am also probably right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the culprit who brought swine flu to UD...

Actor John Leguizamo

It makes perfect sense. Only hours after Leguizamo came to UD to speak to a large room of people, 4 students went to the health center with symptoms consistent with swine flu. I for one never liked John's work, and while I admire his incredible story, I can't help but be a little upset over this outbreak.

On the plus side, think about what always comes with global pandemic... A widespread free spirited lifestyle in the face of an uncertain tomorrow, and some really good U2 songs.

The News

Every single headline on comcast today was upsetting. 

"Phil Spectre found guilty of murder"

"GM Recalls 1.5 Million Vehicles"

"Rape May be Alleged in Girl's Killing"

"Jay Leno TV Show a Hit"

Please, throw me a fricken bone here people. Oh wait, I think I see one. This story looks like it has humor and smile potential, "5-Year Old has Wild Subway Adventure."

Good for that kid! What kind of quests and awesome things did this little guy encounter on his "wild adventure"?!

-click on the link-

Authorities say a 5-year-old boy slipped onto a New York City subway alone and rode for 34 stops from the Bronx to the southern tip of Manhattan before anyone intercepted him.

For the love of God. They gave that article an adoreable headline?! This kid rode across a good stretch of the largest and most imtimidating/potentially dangerous city in the world. There was potential for kidnapping, and the authorities could only respond after 34 blocks at the earliest. Imagine this kid, in 10 years when he looks up this story. 

"Wild ride?! I pissed my pants, a homeless guy searched by Osh Kosh trousers for spare change and I got sneezed on or kicked by at least 14 pill-popping, clinically depressed stock brokers."

Want proof our society is spiralling downward? "Woman Jumps Into Polar Bear Enclosure." Yup, a woman jumped into a polar bear enclosure and was MAULED. The husband said he was shocked and wants the bears put down. 

...For what? Being Bears?! They are 800 pound kings of the fricken tundra pushed into an enclosure and this guy was shocked that they mauled his wife instead of giving here adoreable eskimo kisses and bear hugs. Imagine you're pulled out of your foreclosed home and stuck in a  cage. Then, someone walks by with a steak and throws that steak into your enclosure after you've spent 4 months eating oats and dried fruit. Guess what you're doing to that steak.

Want to know what the problem is? Want to know why people have these dumb ass misconceptions about things? 

Yup, Disney.

Why are people so thrown off by unhappy midgets? Because they sing and dance in Snow White. They have rosy red cheeks and adoreable little outfits and they can do irish dances. Guess what they're really like... You and me. They're just normal, smaller people who have trouble finding appropriate bathing suit sizes. But their attitudes? No more free-spirited, cheeky and fun than you or I. 

But that's unacceptable! They're small and you can pick them up like they're children but they're actually 35! Wrong. Disney just planted a little misrepresentation time bomb in your head.

Back to bears. Here is a quick run down of Disney movies that make people think that thundering, horrifying, killer animals just really want to be your friends.

Madagascar, Winnie and the Pooh, Jungle Book,  Tarzan, Mulan (taking it a step further and recommending you commit high treason against your own government and befriend dragons along the way), Brother Bear and Lilo and Stitch (It came from the sky, it doesn't speak english and it looks like Joe Pesci... want to put it in a hawaiian shirt and make it a part of out family?).

Why did Disney pick bears as their primary target for man/nature comraderie? Infact, why has society as a whole chosen bears?

Bear hugs - Encouraging the single worst thing you can ever do to a bear.

Gummy bears - Suggesting that every bear is different, and unique, and tastes slightly like cough medicine. Guess what, not every bear is unique. They come in very few colors and all want to do one thing; eat you.

Then we mock bears by putting their favorite food in the whole wide world into containers shaped like them. It's time to treat bears like the seemingly unstable person you work with. Befriend them, or at least back the hell off of them so that when the bears finally grow opposable thumbs, they'll let some of us live.

Edit: After completing this post, I clicked onto facebook and saw an advertisement for a Barack Obama Chia Pet. You water it and he grows an afro.

Let's learn from history. Horticulture +  Racism = War.

Honestly though, go watch this video.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

True Life

I was watching True Life the other day and I caught an interesting episode. It contained all of the "True Life" cases that ended up on the cutting room floor. I thought I would review some of my favorites. (Attention: That backstory was a lie... I came up with these)

1. True Life: I had a Horrific Super-Glue Accident

Truly tragic, this episode of True Life focused on those who encountered issues in the use of super glue. They included Jimothy Smits who, when confronted with the issue of a lack of hand lotion, had superglued his hands to his nethers. This unique incident eliminated the option of "just pouring nail polish remover on it" and Jimothy has spent the past 4 years with his hands securely glued to his johnson.  After years of scientific inquiry, medical professionals have ruled out any possible treatment, and Jimothy's parents have opened a foundation entitled, appropriately, "Raise money to get Jimothy's hands out of his pants." They have raised in excess of $4000, which went towards Jimothy's feeding tube and catheterization.

2. True Life: My Grandfather is awkwardly touchy with my female friends

Adrian DeNunez complains that his female friends refuse to come over his house because his grandfather makes them reach into his pocket for Werthers Originals. Claiming his hands are too large for his pockets, Adrian's grandfather asks for the help of Adrian's friends in the removal of hard candy from his back pockets. Adrian also claims that his grandfather will often ask his lady friends if they would like to see his war medals, and then parades around the house in nothing but briefs, highwater socks and his medals of valor, although Adrian claims his grandfather was never in a war and simply bought the medals at a thrift store. When asked to comment, Adrian's Grandfather simply enlightened our reporters that he used to walk uphill both ways going to and from school, and then removed his pants in the interview room.

3. True Life: I Have Over 26 names for my package

Chris Hanz is having a tough time picking up woman who are confused when he asks them if they would like two backstage passes to meet Diana Ross and the Supremes. When our female journalist went to interview him, he claimed he would not answer any questions until she shook hands with Benny and the Jets. Chris has compiled a list as part of his therapy to rid himself of this disorder, which we have gathered a few choice exerpts from:

-Iron Man and the Avengers

-Vlad the Impaler

-Russel the one-eyed wonder muscle

-Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

4. True Life: I Wear Sunglasses In Innapropriate Situations

This episode's alternate title was "I am a douche bag who ignores the purpose of sunglasses." John Kazinski has been mocked by his peers for his excessive wearing of sunglasses for years. When reached for comment, John simply replied, "I like wearing sunglasses all the time because it makes me different. It's like they serve two purposes; to hide my eyes from UV rays, and to hide my self-consciousness from the world." John has also been to rehab for his overuse of the words "tight" and "bro" and his inability to wear his baseball cap in the correct frontways position. Last year, John went into bankruptcy when he spent over $12,000 on flourescent sneakers, glow in the dark hooded sweatshirts and clever t-shirts with witty pop-culture references on them. Psychologists have noted John's lack of individual identity and personality as reasons behind his multiple addictions.

My Top 4 Grievances with ESPN

Everyone loves ESPN. Turn it on for 5 seconds and get a quick look at the bottom line for scored. Watch it for 3 hours on a sunday morning and memorize the lines to sportscenter. Everyone does it, and then talks about how much they love ESPN.

I love ESPN too, I have no issue with the network. I do, however, have some bones to pick with the people of the network. I will now highlight 4 issues I have with the worldwide leader in sports:

1. Mel Kiper Jr. - Maybe I'm just jealous of the man with the best job in the world... Or perhaps I hate rimless glasses combined with a greasy hairdo and pointless anger. Honestly, how can Mel Kiper be angry...ever? His job is to sit in his house, eat macaroni and cheese and watch college football. 

Mel Kiper is to the NFL draft as groundhogs are to the spring. Groundhogs appear to tell us we're that much closer to spring, and Mel Kiper pops his giant head out of his hole to tell us that the NFL draft is coming. They also both like cheese doodles.

So far he sounds like a pro. But once we dig deeper and think about what his job actually is, you realize how much of a waste of carbon Mel Kiper really is. His purpose is to use scouting reports and trends and draft order to do mock drafts and try to predict how the NFL draft will go... Not seeing the issue? Alright, well let me lay some truth on you. Mel Kiper's mock draft has NO MERIT. No coach has ever watched Mel Kiper for info on players or advice on who to pick. His mock draft is simply there because we, as Americans are impatient. Football season is 2 months too short and we want it to last year round. That's why Mel "The 40 year old virgin" Kiper is on Sportscenter in February... 2 months before the draft! 

The San Diego Chargers were actually going to pick J.P. Losman until Kiper predicted they would pick Eli Manning in the 2004 NFL draft. Don't believe me? Good, because that's bullshit. Proof that Mel Kiper's only use is to provide ESPN with something to put on the air that makes us all feel a little more attractive and better about our lives. When Scott Van Pelt, ESPN's bitch, makes Chris Berman's morning 17 egg omelette he greases his pan with Kiper's face sweat.

2. Tony Reali - I feel a little bad about this one, since he's from Monroe township in Jersey and my grandma is close friends with his aunt. But grandma doesn't have a computer, so I'm going to go ahead and rip Reali a new one.

Tony Reali's sole purpose on his show Around the Horn is to tell Woody Paige (clearly the best part of the show) to shut up when he's actually being funny. He assigns sports journalists points if he likes their take on a big current issue in sports... but I don't care what he thinks, so I usually just end up throwing my remote at the TV when he gives JA Adande 4 points for using some specific stats and sounding like a total tool. 

Why does he love stats? Because before his job was hitting a mute button and throwing paper, he was stat boy on yet another blemish of ESPN, Pardon the Interruption. His job? Calling Tony Kornheiser an idiot at the end of every episode for getting some minor facts wrong. Aww, sorry Tony, Kornheiser does more than memorize sports stats and fantasize about Rachel Nichols on top of the sportscenter desk.

3. Pardon the Interruption (PTI) - If I want to listen to two guys bitch at each other and complain about sports, I'll walk into any room on my dorm floor. I want to know stats and news about sports, not why Tony Kronheiser doesn't like the Cavelier's throwback uniforms or the way Bobby Knight bitch slaps referees. I fell asleep once with PTI on and I woke up with a  pounding migraine and a slightly lower IQ.

I would rather watch Stuart Scott clean his glass eye for a half hour than listen to two middle aged men make bad jokes and bitch.

4. Swami Says - Chris Berman has crossed the line into the world of "too conceited" ever since he started predicting exact scores for games. I don't need you to tell me what the score of the game will be... that's ruining the ending asshole. I'm going to fly down to Berman's house right after I post this, hide in his closet, wait for him to watch the sixth sense for the first time, and then jump out right before the ending and tell him that the "swami says" Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. 

He'll get bright red faster than the last time he looked at himself in the mirror.

Failed College Party Themes

We all know the classic college party themes. CEOs and corporate hoes, ABC parties, highlighter parties, etc...

But what about all the bad ideas that got thrown out over the years. I dug deep and did some research (in my own head) about some party theme ideas that have failed over the years.

1. Presidential couples - Once the couple showed up as the FDR and Eleanor, the vibe was pretty much dead. Let's just saw first ladies (or first man-ladies...Hillary) haven't really been the peak of sexiness. Not even beer goggles can make Eleanor Roosevelt look appealing. I'm guessing it was FDR's polio meds that put him in any state of mind to talk to her in the first place. After this years election though, the diversity of the party would definitely expand to include more than just white christians. AEPi (jewish frat) still won't be having any of these themed parties though...

 Cross your fingers for 2012, Evan Mann. Then again, the campaign ticket would just look like the sign outside your local law firm. "Shwartz and Weinberg 2012." The campaign ads would be great though. 

"Oy Vey. Have you seen this Barack Obama? What a klutz! Stop shlepping around with the problems of yesterday and elect Shwartz in '12! Mazel Tov!"

Stimulating the economy with stray pennies really isn't the best plan, though.

2. Nurses and Critical Care Patients - That's not saline solution in his IV...

3. Middle-Aged Bald Men and Mail Order Brides - Because walking around a crowded party with a girl on a leash can't possibly end well. Plus the characters are barely convincing if your date can speak english. 

4. 30s Party - It's tough to have a party in a hooverville, and no one looks good wearing dirty ripped blazers and broken, brimless fedoras. Then again, if you really get into character, you can drink to deal with the depression of not being able to support your family.

5. Top government officials and the prostitutes that ruined their careers - I'm still working on my Elliot Spitzer costume if this one ever happens.

6. CEOs and Gold Diggers - The more realistic corporate themed party... Donald Trump wigs will sell like stock in handguns and Jack Daniels during the recession. Let's just hope no one comes as Anna Nicole Smith...

7. Uptight Girls and their Gay Best Friends - The combination from hell...

So on the off chance these parties happen, most likely at the lame frats (I'm looking at you Lambda), you know who to credit.

Things That Suck

We live in a time of awesome things...

- iPods

- Wegmans

- Penicillin 

- Spike TV

- The Raconteurs 

- My Blog

However, for every few awesome things out there to impress, entertain and enlighten us, there is something that threatens our right to happiness, prosperity and a suck-free world. I will now highlight some major things that suck in different areas of our lives so that my millions (yea, millions) of readers can finally do something about them. The movement begins now:

1. Nickelback - If you were somehow able to play cow pies on a turntable, Nickelback would emanate from the speakers. I once asked a man to name a band with less musical and lyrical innovation than Nickelback, and after 10 seconds of deep thought, his head simply exploded. Chad Kroeger (the lead "singer") sounds like someone force fed Joe Cocker a bowl of industrial screws and then asked him to sing the SAME SONG over and over again. For 6 albums. Six! If you have never heard Nickelback, go listen to any song on youtube. It doesn't matter which, they're all the same. 

WARNING: Distance yourself from all sharp objects, small animals and anything which can be fastened into a noose. Play no more than 20 seconds of the song to avoid adverse reactions which include, but are not limited to:

- Hatred for music

- Disbelief in God

- Wall punching

- The desire to bomb Canada for producing this shit band

Oh yes, Nickelback is in fact Canadian. Not hard to believe at all. Much like the Canadian military, Nickelback's contribution to the world is so insignificant they might as well just go back to drinking wine, ice fishing and wearing Celine Dion concert tour t-shirts. 

A song off of their new album is called "Something in your Mouth." I wish that something was a ball gag tightly fastened to Chad Kroeger's mouth that would prevent him from polluting my ears with shitwaves. The other thing that annoys me is their vulgarity. Clearly, I could care less about cursing in music or subject matter. It's the fact that they use it just to use it, so people hear them say "shit" and then think they're cool and rebel rockers. It's the age old trick in music to grab the middle to high school listening audience that wants to listen to stuff their parents would be offended by or take away from them. Parents should take away their kid's Nickelback albums so that we can maybe infuse some decent music into the "Top 40"

Nickelback - See also:

Creed

Limp Bizkit

Air Supply

Duran Duran

2. Push (the movie) - The storyline didn't suck. The super powers didn't suck. Why not? Because Heroes doesn't suck, and Push is a carbon copy of Heroes (if you take out the good acting, character development and gorgeous blonde cheerleader). Has it really come to the point where we can't make original movies any more? Clearly, people like Scorcese, Gus Van Sant and Chris Nolan prove that you can still make good movies. 

So what's the problem? Not everyone is a critic, despite the common phrase. Not everyone looks for hidden themes, symbolism, meaning and profundity in their movies. Most people like explosions, shoot outs and sex scenes. There are crowds of people out there that would watch Angelina Jolie eat a salad on screen for an hour and a half. The men would watch it for, well, Angelina Jolie. The women would watch it hoping to find the secret ingredient in her salad that makes her look soooo good. I'll save you the time ladies, it's her genetics. 

The occasional popcorn movie is a damn good time. Copying a TV show that is STILL ON TV is just stupid. And whoever did the costumes for that movie and put Dakota Fanning in a 2 inch skirt needs to be put on a watch list.

3. Hot Pockets - Hot pockets are the leader of the army of shitty frozen foods that are threatening the art of cooking. The axis of evil keeping our country fat and lazy consists of:

- Hot Pockets

- McDonalds

- Qiznos (It's like someone saw that subway sandwiches were somewhat healthy and said "Know what this needs? Butter, fat, oil and more cheese")

Hot pockets are a step beyond the 200% daily sodium intake Hungry (fat) man dinners. They are made for people who are too lazy to even transfer their frozen dinner to a plate and ignore any type of meal construction at all. At least when you eat a Hungry Man dinner, you learn something. You learn that corn, mashed potatoes and read meat go well together so that one day, when you find the pots, pans and spatulas in your attic, you might be inspired to try this crazy thing called cooking for yourself.

As for people who say that there's no difference between a burger at McDonalds and a burger you make at home... please grasp your keyboard in both hands and beat yourself over the head with it. 

McDonalds burgers travel all over the country, get fried on a flat grill in massive numbers and are somehow ready for you 15 seconds after you say, "I would like to supersize a number two and add on an arterial ballooning procedure." This is not normal. Everything at McDonalds is fried. Nice variety. 

Nothing says "I don't love my family enough to cook" like a big bag of big macs and a bucket of fries for dinner. Let me get you started small:

1. Turn off ESPN or Oprah

2. Move the 20 bottles of prescription drugs aside and grab your keys

3. Drive to the store and buy some meat (like steak) and potatoes (not boxed mashed potatoes... last time I checked, potatoes were big, oval things that come out of the ground, not little dandruff looking flakes that turn magically into potatoes when you add water)

4. Go home, turn on the grill, grill the steak (don't forget to flip it!)

5. Put water into a pot, heat it up until its all bubbly, put potatoes without their skin in the water and keep them in there until they're softer (they should feel like your beer belly does when you press on it)

6. Take out your anger at your marriage/kids/favorite sports team on those soft potatoes until they look like mashed potatoes

7. Serve with the aforementioned steak with salt and pepper, maybe even some vegetables

You just made dinner that wasn't rolled up in a flaky pastry dough. Good, wasn't it?

Hint: You can, despite popular belief, cook and watch nascar at the same time. That clue right there just enlightened half of this country to start cooking.

Just remember, just because other people or other things suck does mean that you have to suck as well. With a little hard work, consistent reading of this blog and an adequate intake of antioxidants, you can begin the new, less suck-ish you. 

Quotes

So here are some quotes I have heard in the past few days that I found unbelievable or funny...

1. "Baby born with rare 12 fingers, 12 toes"

The title itself, not that interesting or funny. What is ridiculous is the fact that this headline is ahead of one that reads "Panasonic to cut 15,000 jobs." Maybe Comcast know people are tired of hearing about how shitty our country's economy is. Either way, how is the freak baby even newsworthy? And why was the word "rare" necessary in there? Does comcast think that people can't count,a nd by saying that this was a rare occurance, people would look down, finally count their fingers and toes and then exclaim, "holy shit! thats 2 more fingers and toes than I have! That must be more important than massive lay-offs and the decline of our country!" So instead of the headline which results in the pain and heartache of 15,000 people, we first see this headline, which just results in the parents feeling bad for smoking weed while their child was in the womb. The kid is going to thank them when he gets a job in the declining market, the demand has got to be high for people with 2 extra fingers. He can type faster, and probably do a whole bunch of other awesome shit I don't care to think about right now. I'm too busy feeling bad for 15,000 people.

2. "Iran launched homemade satellite"

It's not sputnik all over again, because we already have satellites. Hundreds of them, and they're not made out of tree branches and aluminum foil, like I'm sure this "homemade" satellite is. Imagine how gay this satellite is going to feel when it gets launched up there, feeling all cool for being the first Iranian satellite, and then it sees all the fancy US satellites that can shoot lasers and take videos and beam a cheeseburger to George Bush from outer space. Have fun floating around up there being the lame exchange student in the school of satellites.

3. "Manning brothers to Square off"

Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have both been selected for the pro bowl. While this is clearly a publicity move to get more than 7 people to watch the NFL pro bowl, I'm still going to tune in. Later in the article, they journalist talked about Eli throwing passes to Steve Smith in practice. No...not the Steve Smith that misses crucial passes in the first half of the Giants-Eagles playoff game...silly. The other one, you know, the good one that we wish we had to replace Plaxico "Are you serious?" Burress.

4. "I am not gay"

The above quote was by Jarrett Maggio. It's so cute when he tries to convince us...

5. "Bonds Evidence Coming"

As in Barry Bonds. How is this taking so long? He pee'd in a cup, you take it to a lab somewhere, you test it, and you say "Sorry douche, but we're going to let the guys who earned their records with hard work keep them." Do we even need a test? Look at the man, watch him when he swings. The umpire behind him got jacked just from inhaling his testosterone fumes. 

6. "Pot Charge Possible After Phelps Photo"

Proof that we in America can't just let our incredible, olympic athletes just have their success and enjoy it. He wasn't even caught with pot. He wasn't caught with it in his system. He was seen in a photo from months ago at a party with a pipe. He won you 8 gold medals! So now, because he's a celebrity, tons of cops and judges are looking into this photo. The narcotics division is involved as well... Really? Don't they have, Oh I don't know, real drugs to worry about? Like things that hurt people, stuff that people get shot over and suitcases full of millions of dollars get traded for. Not the stuff in the little plastic bag that Michael Phelps bought from some college guy. 

7. The lyrics to "Twilight Omens" by Franz Ferdinand

Need a reason to love this awesome band? Listen to this song. Fine, don't... I'll highlight the awesome lyrics for you. 

I typed your number into my calculator

Where it spelled a dirty word

When I turned it upside down

You can turn my dirty world

The bright way round

Franz Ferdinand just connected the stupid "boobless" crap you did in the 4th grade with a sentimental, awesome song. The CD is amazing, nothing funny here. Go listen to Franz Ferdinand, because they're brilliant and very funny.

Musings of a ShopRite Cashier

As my time at ShopRite comes to a close this week, I have become more observant of the types of people coming through my lines. If my customers are any indication of the intelligence of this nation, I recommend the gulags. Here are some observations:

1. I had a legit Native American come through my line. At least I am assuming he was because there would be no excuse for his behavior if he wasn't. He paid me in all Saquajawea golden dollars, regular silver change, and indian head pennies. My real question here is not "why?" but rather, "If he was going to work his crazy time traveling native american voo doo magic, why would he come to a time period where the economy blows?" To be included on my blog, that's why.

2. Yay rednecks. The shining moment in an otherwise dull shift. Nothing can brighten my day more than seeing a Dale Earnhardt hat stroll down my line with a basket full of hot pockets. Their leader came to ShopRite yesterday in full force. Rocking her Harley Davidson jacket and her daughter in matching jacket, she proceeded to place an order of over 150 items, all cans and frozen dinner on my line and then let her daughter run free in the store. This child ran all the way out the door and was waving to her mom from outside, at age 5. The fact that she wasn't abducted is proof that not even kidnappers want to steal a redneck child. What are they going to ask for in the ransom note, her collection of nascar mugs? Finally, the woman threatened to leash the girl when she came back inside. I have no punch-line or joke for that, because I don't see the need to further develop a hilarious situation.

3. Quite possibly the most senile woman in history came though my line. I was on the 20 items or less line from hell and she asked if she had less than 20 items. I kid you not, she had 4. If I ever... ever get to a point in my life where I cannot distinguish 4 from 20, kindly place a ShopRite plastic bag over my head.

4. In my boredom at the snack bar, where I had one customer in 30 minutes, my mind wandered so far that I even asked myself, "What ever happened to Hootie and the Blowfish?" Seriously though, I can only imagine that Hootie is playing Flight of the Conchords style gigs in like, Denny's or something. As for the Blowfish (proof that an awesome band name can only carry you so far when you suck), I'm sure they are sitting in a basement somewhere jamming and waiting for Hootie to call. On the off chance their spending some of their free time checking blogs, here's some advice: Stop trying, it's just sad.

With only 8 hours of work left at ShopRite, I think it's time for some final thoughts on a job that consumed my life for 2 years (and even came back after I went to college). What just happened? I honestly remember nothing from my time at ShopRite. Besides a general feeling of boredom and hatred for coupons, I have taken little from this job. I have gained the rare skill of being able to refer to vegetables by number. 

Peppers - 4065

Bananas - 4011

Stephen Hawking - #1 (Don't even challenge that, he's the man)

So overall, ShopRite made for some hilarious stories at the expense of strangers. If I take nothing else from these two years, at least I can say I had a quite a few damn good laughs. 

Rush Limbaugh

This post is not going to be funny. Those of you who read my blog for humor alone can kindly skip this post, and I won't mind. I just have to say this.

Rush Limbaugh claims to speak for America's interests. However, to say that you want America's President to fail is un-American and completely despicable.

Did I support Bush or his policies? No. But did I want them to fail just because I disagreed with them? Of course not. I wouldn't care who was in office or what their policies were as long as America was moving in a forward direction and that President's policies benefited the vast majority of Americans.

How can you wish for the failure of your nation's leader? How selfish is it to hope for him to fail just so you can laugh and say you told us so? Suck it up. Accept the fact that he is our president and either really behind him, or sit in quiet disagreement.  

If I needed another reason to rally behind Obama and his policies, I now have it... So Rush Limbaugh can eat his words when this country rights itself and gains respect from the world community. Good luck fighting your losing battle, Rush. Your kind are a dying breed, doing nothing but dragging this country down. It's a shame we're a lot stronger and supportive of our government than you give us credit for.

You sir, are an asshole.

Things that I have done while bored/Mike Birbiglia

Last week, pretty much all of my friends went back to school. I know what you are saying, "Dude, that's awesome. You have another 2 weeks off from college before you go back!"

No, it is not awesome, random guy who uses exclamation points in his speech. Everyone is gone, leaving me with nothing to do all week. I just wait for my high school friends to do stuff on weekends, making me feel like I am in high school once more. 

"What have you done with your time?"

Why don't you have some patience, guy, and I will fricken tell you. So in order to shut that guy up, I will now present a list of things that I have done over break so pass the time:

1. I tried to develop telekinesis - I was bored and I found a website claiming that anyone could use telekinesis. Then it gave step-by-step instructions on how to develop your ability. I did not just read the site, I tried... multiple times, to bend a spoon as per the instructions. I am kind of glad I didn't though, because when my mom asked what happened to the spoon I would have to utter the phrase, "I bent it with my mind" which would surely result in me spending the rest of my break in a padded cell.

2. Pushups - What? I did pushups. You asked for a list, deal with the fact that not everything will be funny. 

3. Work - I am working at ShopRite again, which is a treat and a half. If I was being paid the same amount of money to stick hair pins in my legs, I would opt for that job instead. 

4. Finding obscure messages in otherwise normal songs -  This is a fun game to play when you're bored. Pick a theme, any theme you would like to find in your music. Then hit shuffle on iTunes and, regardless of the song choice, connect that song to the theme. Did you know that Oops I did it Again is actually about Anne Frank? I didn't...Until I played this game.

5. Went to ridiculous places - The beach in winter (Nicole, it was a terrible idea. It wasn't fun because it was the beach, it was fun because our friends are retarded and made it funny) and the city twice in one weekend.

Which brings me to my next point. Go see Sleepwalk with Me, Mike Birbiglia's one man show. It's amazing. Really well done, hilarious but serious, funny and touching. I don't mean touching in the way the catholic church the uses it, but rather in the emotionally touching way. (Insert Our Father here, sorry about that one...)

I am also mentioning MIKE BIRBIGLIA because he alerted his audience that he gets google alerts whenever he is mentioned on a blog. Imagine him bored, waking up and finding this email like it is christmas morning and he just got the gift of recognition in my blog. This is reserved for a select few individuals and I am sure he will be honored. 

Hey Mike. Great show. I'm the guy that took a picture with you after the show and said "It was great" about 20 times because I couldn't think of much else to say at that moment (plus, I doubt you wanted a paragraph review in person). 

Inauguration: Some Observations

President Obama: Change is a Damn Good Thing

So there is no excuse for missing the Inauguration of our nation's 44th president. Seriously, I can think of only a few reasons you could have legitimately given for missing it:

1. You don't have a television, or any friends with a television

2. Chris Matthew's head frightens you (It's ok, it scares all of us)

Non-legitimate reasons:

1. You disapprove of his presidency (I disapprove of the Cardinals being in the playoffs while the Giants are not, and yet I will still watch it because it is a major sporting event, just as this was a major world event)

2. Diff'rent Strokes was on (This is never a legitimate excuse to miss anything, this show is God awful)

So, back to the inauguration. It was momentous. It was historical. It was...not what people were expecting. Everyone is complaining that Obama's speech was too grim, that there were no memorable lines or great metaphors. Sorry people, but that speech was the right way to go. The cute entertainment is kind of over. The election was fun and stuff, we had a few laughs and ran around throwing paper. What Obama did with that speech was say, "Pick up your shovels and let's dig ourselves out of this 8 years of accumulated crap."

Sorry for the break from humor... Let's return...

Two words. Aretha Franklin.

Every time the wind blew and that hat moved, Dick Cheney shifted in his wheelchair just begging to shoot it. Of course, Aretha wasn't the only superstar celebrity there... You would have thought Denzel Washington was Secretary of State the way he kept showing up. Not even Joe Biden was on stage the other night for Obama's speech at the Lincoln Memorial, but Denzel was. After seeing Training Day, I think Denzel might be Barack's head of Security.

In honor of Barack's presidency, I have prepared for him a list of things I expect to see by the end of his term, assuming we won't be wasting money in Iraq:

1. Jetpacks - It's a backpack full of fuel that powers little rocket engines, come on how do we not have this?!

2. Hovercars - I only need them to be 2 inches off the ground by the end of the first term. Too much to ask? I think not... If you get re-elected, I want a car that does Top Gun style flying maneuvers. Keep that in mind for the second term platform.

3. Song pills - I'll explain... I want to swallow the pill, then be able to open my mouth and have music come out. I'll actually be able to sing now...or appear to.

4. Cure for herpes - If I have to have my TV shows interrupted again to watch a middle aged man ride a bicycle then talk about how sad his herpes life is I'm going to throw a bottle of Valtrex at the screen.

5. A nationwide ban on Lucas/Spielberg sequels - For those of us that survived the Star Wars and Indiana Jones with relatively little psychological scarring, another film might just push me into insanity. Give the people what the really want... a Shortround spin-off movie entitled Shortround and the Taxi Cab Adventures

Oh, and while we're on the subject of sequels... Disney needs to stop too. I think they're up to Aladin 13 now, and if any Disney sequel past the number 3 comes out, I'm going to take a plane to Florida, unfreeze Walt Disney, and slap him.

6. Teleporters - You can't tell me that with a country as lazy as ours, we haven't tried harder to make this a reality? Which brings us to a new segment... the philosophical question of the week!

PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

If a teleporter works by breaking down your molecules and then transmitting the information to another teleporter which re-constructs you based upon the "blueprint" provided by the first teleporter, does the process kill you? (Since you are no longer made up of your own molecules, but new ones)

Live Post

I want to do a live post. That means, as i watch or read something I simultaneously post my thoughts on it. I need some good ideas, so now is your chance to gain eternal glory by providing me with some options! Comment with your best ideas of what I can watch/listen to/read/do while posting about it.

Reward: $500

Find my mind. Please...

Chemistry has officially blown my mind. Not  because it fascinates or surprises me, but because I jam packed so much useless info into my head that the pressure caused it to blow. And with a head my size, that's an accomplishment. I spent 8 hours at the Morris Library today studying chemistry and covered half of the topics on tomorrow's exam from hell...

Want proof that I have officially lost it. I drew this tonight after returning from the library:

This...is Smiley Cyrus

Don't hate on Smiley Cyrus, because she just bein smiley...

This is proof that forcing chemistry onto any student is inhumane. This is some crazy, Mengele mind experiment to see how far chemistry can push one student before said student snaps. Well Poppa Jimmy Wingrave (my chem professor that looks like santa and is composed of the manifestation of everything boring put into one person) you've done it. At approximately 12:00 am on the day of our chem exam, you fried my brain beyond repair. I hope you're happy. I'm going role reversal this Christmas and delivering you the gift of victory. I fought the good fight, but you and your lecture manual and lab write ups have mind-raped me beyond repair. 

Rumor is Jimmy Wingrave runs on the sadness and failure of others. Like a vampire, he sucks the academic zeal out of his students, growing stronger by the day. He must be stopped...

Ewoks

I know what you're saying to yourself... Jesse can't possibly be doing an entire post on the furry little ewoks from Star Wars.

 I am. 

Deal with it...

What is my issue with ewoks? I have no problem with the creatures themselves, my conflict lies more with Mr. Lucas. They are 3 foot tall furry creatures with spears, and you had them kill guys in armor with guns and giant metal robots. How is God's name did this...

Beat this?

The above is 3 story high metal robot with giant laser cannons and it lost in a fight with 3 foot high ewoks using spears and trees as weapons. Hey, here's an idea... Every time you take the giant robots into the dense forrest they get slammed in the face by trees. New game plan, stay the hell out of the forrest and just bomb it. 

Or, option 2. Realize that your robot design is terrible and send in the giant robots from the 5th movie. Why would this be a good design for robots? 70 feet tall with dense metal heads and scrawny, wobbly polio legs... They're the FDR of robots. Only difference is, they didn't linger for 8 years longer than they should have.

Because Banksy can be applied to any post...

Speaking of the giant ones from "Empire Strikes Back," can someone please tell me how that made sense at all. The skyscraper sized, laserproof robots don't have the leg strength to break through a rope. Really? George Lucas needs either a physics lesson, or a swift kick to the back of the head. I am prepared to deliver him either, or both. 

Their attack strategy was awful too. This quote is from an interview that completely exists:

"How about, instead of sending in a bunch of robots at once so maybe like, 1 or 2 die and the rest just crush all the little cabbage patch bitches, we send one at a time so they can see them coming, set up elaborate forrest themed booby traps and roll logs out in front of them." Said the obviously French General of Darth Vader's Army.

The movie then ends with the tiny, spear toting woodland creatures having a huge party with all of the "human" characters. Hairy midgets drinking and dancing to steel drum music with regular sized adults in a dimly lit, dense forrest. Sounds like the worst porn set-up since "The Hardy Boys and the Prison Shower Mystery." Google it.

Am I right?

I am so sick of hearing from these rappers how hard their lives are and how I do not understand their struggle... 

I was out of knives today and had to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a plastic spoon. Try to spread skippy extra chunky and smuckers grape with a plastic spoon and THEN tell me how much harder life in the "chi" is. That's what I thought, Common...

Full post coming later today

Turkeys

Bush wouldn't pardon this turkey, so it had to "persuade" him

Thanksgiving has finally crossed the line and become insane. Sarah Palin appears in an interview following her pardoning of a turkey. If you do not know what this is, it is a very strange custom in which politicians will "pardon" a turkey and it will in turn not be killed for thanksgiving.

What a wonderful sentiment, let the one turkey live and slaughter the rest of its family, and then have a celebration in honor of this. This seems oddly familiar to another event we celebrate this time of year...

Oh right! That time we came over to land that wasn't ours, had the indigenous people teach us how to maximize what we got from the land, and then gave them small pox.

In honor of this "unfortunate" series of coincidentally beneficial events, we now have Thanksgiving. I am sure that the Palin interview mirrors something similar that would have happened back in those founding days of our nation. 

She stands there, in front of a large machine while a man lowers turkeys head first into a tube, and then removes their heads. Palin remains completely unfazed, because hell, she did all she could do. Pardoning one turkey was hard enough, you seriously want her to pardon all of those? Then what are her 1823 children (and grandchild on the way!) going to eat? 

Imagine a very similar situation as a curious reporter asks an English settler about the new land:

Reporter: Well it sure looks like you've got some great land here, how did you find uninhabited, quality land?

Settler: Just dumb luck I guess. (As native americans in the background attempt to extinguish tee-pee fires)

Reporter: We found these vials of small pox just sitting around, any idea what these were for?

Settler: ...Over here we have our new irrigation system

Reporter: Is that a body?

Settler: ...

**Headline: Reporter dies after severe case of smallpox and scalping**

At this time of year, it becomes important to realize what you are truly thankful for:

1. Small Pox, without it we wouldn't have Thanksgiving break or Thanksgiving. I wouldn't get to go home from college, see all of my friends and eat hot, delicious home cooked food.

2. Pocahontas, for drilling the idea of American sympathies towards Native Americans into the minds of our children for decades.

3. Ramen, for being 45 cents a package and also for being so tasty

4. Treadmills, for burning off ramen and 1-am wings from two brothers

5. Canada, for stealing Thanksgiving from us. Now everyone is distracted and thinks you're douche bags while we celebrate genocide with a 4 course meal.

6. The NY Jets, for beating the overrated Tennessee Titans so that the Giants can establish themselves officially as the best team in the NFL

7. Andy Reid, for being football play calling retarded and then selfishly putting the blame on Donovan McNabb. It's like watching a soap opera only I don't feel emasculated.

8. John Cusack, for existing so that girls could tell me I look like him and make starting conversations easier.

9. John Madden, for teaching me that I really can be anything I want, even if I don't have the skill set to do it. The man says nothing for two and a half hours and has a video game named after him... One of life's great mysteries.

10. Myself, because without me, where would I be? 

...Did that just blow your mind? 

For example, this hairdryer will blow your mind.

How about this...

Every time you try to get to a certain point, you first have to go halfway there. Then, to continue to your destination, you have to go half way there as well. This pattern continues, with you continually getting halfway to your target from your current position, since you always have to get halfway there first. If that is the case, how do you ever get to your final destination, when there are an infinite number of halfway points to overcome.

And...discuss

Twilight

This is what America has come to...

Love stories about shiny vampires and shy, low-self esteem girls.

He's a vampire! Watch him be conflicted about biting the girl he loves! She's going to make a transition from shy and outcast to loved and confident! This is every cliche love story ever written, but with vampires...

Twilight is not original, it's formulaic. It combines two genres of book that I cannot stand... cute teenage romance and vampires. Much like Edward Cullen, this book sucks.

Have I read it? No, I do not need to... I can judge solely on the reactions people have to it, which brings me to my next point...

EDWARD CULLEN IS NOT REAL

I can just hear your mood hitting rock bottom...

He is a fictional character, and even if he were real, he would not date you. First of all, why are you obsessed with him?

1. He's shiny. You can't take him anywhere, because you will look absolutely ridiculous. 

"Oh, so nice to meet you. Yes, that's my boyfriend over there. The shiny, pale one sucking the blood out of your cat. He's wonderful"

2. How can you even be around someone who sucks the blood out of animals?

"Oh, you just sucked the blood out of a dirty, rabies infested raccoon? I would love to kiss you and then get vaccinated"

Last time I checked, girls love small adorable woodland critters. Apparently you love people who consume them more.

3. He is over 100 years old!!! You should probably avoid any guy who can be that old and still have all the machinery running. The girl in the book is 17 when she falls in love with him. Hugh Heffner's got nothing on this (illegal) trophy girlfriend. An age different of 90 years... That's healthy.

A girl being obsessed with a vampire who constantly has to restrain himself from eating her is far from a model relationship. Apparently the only thing that gets girls more than confidence is the idea of being eaten by a vampire.  It's kind of disturbing... 

The fact that girls out there are obsessed as well leads us to a new problem... When the real vampires come, stupid girls everywhere are going to try to get with them.

Have you seen Nosferatu?! Yea, he's real sexy. He has the same traits as Edward... pale, mysterious, likes to suck blood, FICTIONAL.

I'd hit that.

If I started walking around tomorrow, super pale with glitter on my skin, drinking the blood out of a furry little bunny using my giant, overbite fangs, apparently girls everywhere would be all over me. Note to self: Break out the craft supplies.

Please, read a book of substance...

Suggestions:

1. Some Dan Brown, Angels and Demons is one of the best books ever written

2. Watchmen, it's got pretty pictures for all of you out there in the Twilight mentality, and it also happens to be THE best book I have ever read

3. War and Peace, which I have not read. I don't expect you too either, I instead recommend that you use it to knock some sense into you before you go rambling on about vampires. I figured that War and Peace's length is about to equal to Twilight's stupidity (over 1400 pages).

4. DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, so that you can diagnose yourself with an obsessive disorder and get some treatment. We're worried about you... No one has loved a fictional character this much since the sex scene in Space Jam (Michael Jordan and Lola Bunny, it's on the 6 disc special edition. Trust me, it's there).

So, now that I've injected you with some common sense, go back to reading Twilight. Maybe then Edward Cullen can suck the common sense right back out.

(Carly Weinreb provided the idea, Kelliann Decarlo provided the inspiration. He's not real babe, sorry)

makemebabies.com

The greatest time waster of all time has been discovoered. Do yourself a big favor and check out http://www.makemebabies.com...

The site allows you to plug in two pictures of people, or whatever, and see what would happen if they had a baby. It's easily the most fun you will have on the internet.

Possible uses: 

1. See if your relationship is worth the effort or if you should end it now... If you're going to have ugly babies with someone, it might be time to consider adoption or a new partner entirely

2. Use pre-prepared pictures as an argument for a second date. Nothing gets a girl on board for date number 2 like a picture of your potential offspring.

3. Figure out if you were adopted. Upload pictures of both parents, and if you do not come out of the automatic baby generator, it may be time to have a talk with your "parents."

Now, I give you a few examples of this site's awesomeness:

When Perri and I have our test-tube baby and legally name it cookieface, it will look like this...

Sexy, right? Maybe he won't be the best looking kid, but he has the most kickass parents ever.

Next, I know you're all dying to find out what my baby with Carmen Electra will look like, since it is inevitable:

This one confuses me... I'm not sure where the hair came from, and I'm detecting a degree of African descent in the child... Carmen was cheating on me! Then again, we all know where it got that forehead (me, have you seen it?! its big!)

When the US government somehow infuses a child with both Chuck Norris's and my own genetics and creates a Captain America-esque alpha-human, it will look like this:

 

So on the accurate site, this kid is obviously hemorrhaging manliness. I appreciate the construction helmet as testament to his scruffy and badass persona, but we all know his skull will be indestructible and this is just not necessary. Those are not braces on his teeth, since they are perfect. They are just the remnants of his daily breakfast of rusted nails and creatine supplement.

Finally, as a test, I plugged my parents into the generator... 

Impossible... The lies! The deception! Years of believing that these two incredible people were my parents. I don't know what to believe anymore. (Side note: While not my real parents, they are still the two coolest parents ever. So I'll keep em. Be jealous)

So that's about it. If I can't think of anything else to post, have an awesome Thanksgiving. No snarky comments, no sarcasm... I love Thanksgiving. Does it have to do with the fact that my family is 4 times better than yours and they cook an astonishing 5 to 6 times better than yours? Yes...yes it does. Enjoy your dry turkey and crusty, poorly prepared stuffing. Hope the gravy masks you family's culinary mistakes while I enjoy the best food ever!

xoxo

Gossip Girl is stupid

Know what I hate?

More than UFC, more than Canada, more than Smashing Pumpkins...

I hate you.

I hate you for not commenting my blog, so get on that! 

I want comments, I want traffic! Tell your friends, tell people I don't even know, I don't care. They deserve to have their eyes opened too!

Comment my blog, and get the word out. For every 10 people you tell about my blog, you save a kitten. No joke, I've got a bag of them right here and I am going to start letting them out, as long as I get traffic.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GOOGLE EMAIL MEMBER TO COMMENT, JUST CHOOSE THE OTHER OPTION AND JUST LEAVE YOUR NAME!

UFC fighting

Ultimate Fighting has been called "the equivalent of ancient Roman gladiator battles" and is followed religiously by many who consider themselves even manlier just for watching the "sport." I have quite the wake-up call for all of you out there who watch UFC: You're kind of gay...

Don't believe me? Turn the volume on your television off and sit and watch UFC. I have a little game I play when I do this that I like to call "How long will it take for me to feel uncomfortable and emasculated." My best time 7 seconds. Want more proof? Take a look at these action shots from a UFC fight:

This move is called "The Anaconda"...I kid you not.

As in "Look at that one UFC fighter giving the other one the Anaconda." Or, "Did you see his anaconda in the second round? It sure was nice."

UFC has been donned a "nearly lawless fighting sport." However, there are over 30 defined rules in a UFC fight. I give you some examples:

1. Eye Gouging of any kind (Many fans practice this after 10 seconds watching the homoeroticism of a UFC fight, as it is legal for the spectators to do unto themselves)

2. Spitting at the opponent 

3. Throwing your opponent out of the ring or fenced area (This is just ridiculous. The idea of one 200 pound man tossing anything but the other 200 pound fighter's salad is unrealistic)

4. Grabbing the clavicle 

5. Small joint manipulation 

And my personal favorite:

Putting a finger into any orifice

That's right, a reach around is strictly prohibited during a UFC fight, and should only be practiced by the fighters after the match is over as a form of congratulations. 

I should also note that the welterweight title (between 156 and 170 pounds, is held by a Canadian named Georges St. Pierre. He is to France and Canada what Barack Obama is to Americans, a beacon of hope in a world spiraling downwards. Only difference is, he's the one guy of French-canadian descent to do anything but ice fish in the last century. I guess over in Canada, that's change. Maybe next they'll contribute something to the world besides maple syrup and socialism.

The fact that UFC has killed boxing (with the help of Don King) is disgraceful. We have replaced a sport that requires skill and muscle with one that requires just a lot of muscle and the ability to conceal your boner while wrestling with a large man in tight shorts. Where is the skill in wrapping your legs missionary style around a half-unconscious man while punching him nearly bare-knuckled? Don't go looking for it, it's not there.